Ya I've been a big bummer, so what? I've been lighthearted in the past. I've been funny. I'm allowed some wallowing, aren't I? When your heart gets wrung out like an old wet towel you're allowed to vent dramatically. But you've all been kind and patient with my pathetic whining so today I'd like to share something cute, something funny and something musical.
WARNING : vomit and cursing ahead....
Say YES to fighting the funk of the heartbroken with a little whimsy.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Starting Over
I started my day with a fairy tale. I watched the Royal wedding, not once but twice. I sucked up all the pomp and circumstance and romantic pageantry like a desperate little sponge. I am in absolute love with all of that stuff. Not that I would have admitted it to anyone before, in fact I have often said the opposite and bashed it so I wouldn't be another lame romantic loving girl.
I want my Prince. I want to be treated like a Princess. (For lack of a better term because if anyone ever called me a princess, watch the freak out!) Of course this whole concept makes me sad because I don't believe I'm the type of girl that a guy wants to treat like a princess.
And that got me thinking about how many regrets I have in my life. How many bridges I have burned. And how many things for which I feel I need to make amends. I tried to start that today (no time like the present) and that ended in tears. What's even worse is that I found out first hand just how horrible I actually am in the eyes of others. Which led to more tears.
So I thought it best to start my day again and take a hot shower and get something constructive done. So I ran a couple of errands and got my nails did. Which remarkably took up the whole day. So come the evening, being as I'm still sad and full of doubt (and have a killer headache and want to vomit because it's so bad) I thought I'd try starting my day over again and spend some quality time with the Kid.
It's easy starting your day over. You just ignore the time and do what you want, when you want to do it. But now I need to start my life over and that's a little more difficult. I can't ignore the TIME I spent. I cherished it, in fact, even the crap and anguish. The WHAT I want to do has to be different. And WHEN is all about the waiting.Waiting to heal. Waiting to let go. Waiting to forgive. Waiting to begin again. And hoping I have the courage to do it.
Say YES to brave new beginnings.
I want my Prince. I want to be treated like a Princess. (For lack of a better term because if anyone ever called me a princess, watch the freak out!) Of course this whole concept makes me sad because I don't believe I'm the type of girl that a guy wants to treat like a princess.
And that got me thinking about how many regrets I have in my life. How many bridges I have burned. And how many things for which I feel I need to make amends. I tried to start that today (no time like the present) and that ended in tears. What's even worse is that I found out first hand just how horrible I actually am in the eyes of others. Which led to more tears.
So I thought it best to start my day again and take a hot shower and get something constructive done. So I ran a couple of errands and got my nails did. Which remarkably took up the whole day. So come the evening, being as I'm still sad and full of doubt (and have a killer headache and want to vomit because it's so bad) I thought I'd try starting my day over again and spend some quality time with the Kid.
It's easy starting your day over. You just ignore the time and do what you want, when you want to do it. But now I need to start my life over and that's a little more difficult. I can't ignore the TIME I spent. I cherished it, in fact, even the crap and anguish. The WHAT I want to do has to be different. And WHEN is all about the waiting.Waiting to heal. Waiting to let go. Waiting to forgive. Waiting to begin again. And hoping I have the courage to do it.
Say YES to brave new beginnings.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
WINDY
The wind today was totally redonkulous! Even the Kid had some concerns over the unusual weather. (And the Kid doesn't pay attention to much of anything.) Trash everywhere. Trees damaged. Little childrens tumbling down the street like tumblin tumble weeds. Today was quite interesting and for more than just the weather. In fact I would say that the extreme wind was reflective of both my mood and the events of the day. Many ups and downs.
The day started off good. Good morning with the Kid. And I got started with the chores early.
Then I had to take a pregnant friend to the hospital which was a little hairy. On the way to the hospital I came across a dead coyote in the road. (I'm still upset about that.)
I then had a very distressing, very personal and very eye opening conversation that once again ended in me being alone and in tears.
I then did some shopping.
And found out my friend is most likely having a girl.
The Kid and I went to dinner with the Mother.
But then I came back to a virtually empty home.
No, wait...
Home isn't the right word. It's just an apartment because without his love (regardless of the problems) it no longer feels like a home. I don't know how to start again. I'm afraid to make the same mistakes. I'm worried he may be right about me.
The wind may have died down but the pain in my heart hasn't. What if it never does?
But once again I'm being a downer so I will leave you with a poem that I wrote in elementary school that is very suitable to today.
WIND
Wind can be peaceful.
Wind can be mean.
But I like wind better than string beans.
Today I learned a couple of things. Playing games instead of being honest when it comes to matters of the heart, gets you nowhere but alone. And even more importantly, that I need to be more flexible. There's no need for me to always be the mighty oak, never wavering, because even the oak can be felled under the right circumstances as I was today by that single phone call.
Say YES to bending like a reed in the wind.
The day started off good. Good morning with the Kid. And I got started with the chores early.
Then I had to take a pregnant friend to the hospital which was a little hairy. On the way to the hospital I came across a dead coyote in the road. (I'm still upset about that.)
I then had a very distressing, very personal and very eye opening conversation that once again ended in me being alone and in tears.
I then did some shopping.
And found out my friend is most likely having a girl.
The Kid and I went to dinner with the Mother.
But then I came back to a virtually empty home.
No, wait...
Home isn't the right word. It's just an apartment because without his love (regardless of the problems) it no longer feels like a home. I don't know how to start again. I'm afraid to make the same mistakes. I'm worried he may be right about me.
The wind may have died down but the pain in my heart hasn't. What if it never does?
But once again I'm being a downer so I will leave you with a poem that I wrote in elementary school that is very suitable to today.
WIND
Wind can be peaceful.
Wind can be mean.
But I like wind better than string beans.
Today I learned a couple of things. Playing games instead of being honest when it comes to matters of the heart, gets you nowhere but alone. And even more importantly, that I need to be more flexible. There's no need for me to always be the mighty oak, never wavering, because even the oak can be felled under the right circumstances as I was today by that single phone call.
Say YES to bending like a reed in the wind.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It's Wednesday! Poetry Day!
The rain has stopped. It's a beautiful day! There's a smell of flowers in the air and the robins are all red-breasted and stuff. It's time for a poem, people!
SPRING BOUQUET
by Raymond A. Foss
SPRING BOUQUET
by Raymond A. Foss
An earthen vase
held a bouquet
simple crocuses
at the street corner
in the downtown
of the city, around
the corner, down the block
on the way to school
a bit of color
shining through
the urban tableau
reminding us of beauty
amidst the clutter
of daily life
held a bouquet
simple crocuses
at the street corner
in the downtown
of the city, around
the corner, down the block
on the way to school
a bit of color
shining through
the urban tableau
reminding us of beauty
amidst the clutter
of daily life
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Yesterday was Monday...where was the Mental? Oh wait, I was the Mental
Usually on Mondays I participate in a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group. The purpose of this group is to teach me to re-learn how to think because a lot of my wires have gotten crossed. This therapy is providing me with extremely important tools and resources to ensure my success in managing and overcoming certain aspects of my illness. This Monday, because of the holiday, there was no group. I was having a breakdown and the Kid needed the laptop for a school project so I didn't get around to posting anything in the blog.
Wait let's go back a bit...I was having a breakdown.
So it occurred to me that I haven't actually told you about my illnesses. (Yes there is more than one.)
Let's start with the major one, Bipolar Disorder. This little beauty requires medication and is confusing and exhausting and causes me a lot of trouble. Daily living is impaired and it ruins a lot of my relationships. I'm referred to as crazy or I'm told I'm mean. In fact just recently I was told that things would be better for me and the certain person that was talking to me, if I simply just stopped being a bitch.
Next up, Borderline Personality Disorder. I often wonder which of the two are more destructive. This wreaks havoc with relationships too. I'm angry and sad almost all the time, often misunderstood and I think people often write me off as being a bummer and think I should 'Chin up Buttercup'.
Then there's a bit of OCD and a pinch of PTSD.
That's a lot of reading, I know. But I sometimes wish that some of the people in my life would take the time to read up on it.
Life in general is incredibly challenging for me. I have difficulty appreciating the small things, letting go and seeing the silver lining. I often feel imprisoned by my illness. And am constantly at war with myself and everything around me.
But I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself. I'm learning to accept my strengths and my limitations. I'm learning to cope. And even with the challenges that I've been dealt, I am raising a child on my own, I maintain an apartment, I manage my bills, I volunteer my time and have enrolled in school. And I work very hard at trying to control and overcome the symptoms of my illnesses.
I try to have compassion for the ignorant people of the world that think I can simply get over it or think happy thoughts or not be a bitch. I'm told often that things could always be worse and I would agree that things could be worse. I could be starving or homeless. I could be stuck in some Godless corner of the world. But I'm not. I'm just trapped in my own head. And trust me when I tell you that's bad enough.
Say YES to understanding and compassion.
Wait let's go back a bit...I was having a breakdown.
So it occurred to me that I haven't actually told you about my illnesses. (Yes there is more than one.)
Let's start with the major one, Bipolar Disorder. This little beauty requires medication and is confusing and exhausting and causes me a lot of trouble. Daily living is impaired and it ruins a lot of my relationships. I'm referred to as crazy or I'm told I'm mean. In fact just recently I was told that things would be better for me and the certain person that was talking to me, if I simply just stopped being a bitch.
Next up, Borderline Personality Disorder. I often wonder which of the two are more destructive. This wreaks havoc with relationships too. I'm angry and sad almost all the time, often misunderstood and I think people often write me off as being a bummer and think I should 'Chin up Buttercup'.
Then there's a bit of OCD and a pinch of PTSD.
That's a lot of reading, I know. But I sometimes wish that some of the people in my life would take the time to read up on it.
Life in general is incredibly challenging for me. I have difficulty appreciating the small things, letting go and seeing the silver lining. I often feel imprisoned by my illness. And am constantly at war with myself and everything around me.
But I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself. I'm learning to accept my strengths and my limitations. I'm learning to cope. And even with the challenges that I've been dealt, I am raising a child on my own, I maintain an apartment, I manage my bills, I volunteer my time and have enrolled in school. And I work very hard at trying to control and overcome the symptoms of my illnesses.
I try to have compassion for the ignorant people of the world that think I can simply get over it or think happy thoughts or not be a bitch. I'm told often that things could always be worse and I would agree that things could be worse. I could be starving or homeless. I could be stuck in some Godless corner of the world. But I'm not. I'm just trapped in my own head. And trust me when I tell you that's bad enough.
Say YES to understanding and compassion.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
My next project???
So I was browsing other blogs this morning and stopped to read one that had a 'content warning' that I had to agree to in order to view it. What could be more intriguing, right? What will be on the other side of that agreement? Juicy curse words? Pictures of excrement? Full frontal male nudity?? (I always hope for that last one!) What I found was cursing and nudity!! Jackpot!
I especially liked this photo...
Yes, that is a Wall of Vagina. It's fantastic isn't it? My high school art teacher I'm sure would love this and have some annoying and strange comment to add.
I do believe that a Wall of Penis is needed. And I do believe that my summer project has been chosen. Now to find 40 volunteers to participate.
How much plaster do you think I will need?
I especially liked this photo...
I do believe that a Wall of Penis is needed. And I do believe that my summer project has been chosen. Now to find 40 volunteers to participate.
How much plaster do you think I will need?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Earth Day 2011
The Kid and I started by unplugging 16 things, including two televisions, a DVD player, a VCR, a microwave and a video game console.
No showers! A day of stink to save the earth.
If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. (Tee hee)
Keeping ALL lights off. (Which means peeing in the dark because the bathroom has no windows.)
The car will stay parked!!
No cooking! (I used a fry pan this morning before I realized what day it was and I was in desperate need of a fruit smoothie so I used the blender. But that's it!)
I needed to do the laundry because the pile is starting move around on its own but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
We also decided to re-pot four plants.
I also need to take out the recyclables....
Say YES to showing the Earth some love.
Better Late Than Never....
I just realized this very second that I failed to post anything for Poetry Wednesday. Apparently I was too preoccupied with food...my bad. In my defense, I am heavily medicated and rarely know what day of the week it is. Seriously. But now that I've discovered my oversight, I shall post something wonderful now.
That still counts!!
That still counts!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Asian Store
I visited an Asian grocery called 'Little Saigon' today to sign up for some cooking lessons. How awesome is the store name, right? I am so stoked for these lessons, you have no freakin' idea! Anyway, I just had to look around at all the fantastic and yummy things that they had there...and found some treasures.
I tell ya, I can't wait to go back there!
This is the first thing I saw. It is tea. I knew from the picture that it had to be a dieter's tea.
This is the writing on the box. I think it speaks for itself.
HELLO! How cute is this cookie box?!
Karate Cookie Panda is my favourite.
The cookies themselves are cute too...and tasty.
When I saw this I could only think of Alice In Wonderland and drugs....
....lots and lots of drugs. Yes, that is a mushroom that the cute bunny is near. Would be a great cover for selling acid....just sayin'
These are delicious. After removing the wrapper, you can see that the candy is wrapped in a very thin rice paper. Awesome.
These are a very common snack. I have seen them often but have never tried them...until today.
Once again I find the packaging to be most amusing.
They look like french fries. Not too shrimpy. And oddly addictive. Who knew??
Say YES to exploration!
Say YES to exploration!
TACO BELL
So I'm out with a girlfriend of mine today and we're both getting hungry and wanting something unhealthy and delicious and gross to eat. She being pregnant and me being a fatty where else could we possibly go but take a run for the border....Taco Bell!! Back in the day, after an evening of libations, my homeslice Karen and I would dine on the disgustingly beautiful garbage on a semi-regular basis. We even renamed two of the menu items. What you would call a Bean Burrito, we referred to as a 'Dirty Baby Diaper'. What you would call a Chili Cheese Burrito, we referred to as a 'Dirty Dick'. In fact those two items have always been my favourites (save the jokes, folks) and they are exactly what I ate today. My girlfriend was both amused and appalled.
On a side note, I believe that Thursday is the designated "Diminished Capcity" day at the Bell because there were many 'challenged' individuals that chose to have lunch there today. One of whom chose to have an indepth conversation with my girlfriend about the Duggar family of the '18 Kids and Counting' fame, while I was in the restroom. Apparently since she is pregnant it was an appropriate subject, of course. My girlfriend, however, was not cool with it since the man in question had a lisp and a stutter and spoke very rapidly! She couldn't understand him and kept asking him to repeat himself. Hilarious. I'm surprised she didn't hug me when I intervened.
I find it interesting that Taco Bell is desperately trying to convince the public that its food is so very much like the food that you yourself would prepare for your own family. Dear Taco Bell, we knew you were serving us shit from a bag and liked it. In other words, we don't really care. Stop ruining the most disgusting and therefore the best fucking fast food available to us. Thanks.
I do however, love most of the sayings on the sauce packets. This one is my favourite because it's dirty. If one was to think about the slang for a female body part, particularly a reproductive one, this packet should prove amusing. If you don't get it, you have much to learn about being immature.
On a side note, I believe that Thursday is the designated "Diminished Capcity" day at the Bell because there were many 'challenged' individuals that chose to have lunch there today. One of whom chose to have an indepth conversation with my girlfriend about the Duggar family of the '18 Kids and Counting' fame, while I was in the restroom. Apparently since she is pregnant it was an appropriate subject, of course. My girlfriend, however, was not cool with it since the man in question had a lisp and a stutter and spoke very rapidly! She couldn't understand him and kept asking him to repeat himself. Hilarious. I'm surprised she didn't hug me when I intervened.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Not Quite Thai
I love love love cooking! I'm going tomorrow to sign up for Asian cooking classes. I want to cook all the time. And cook everything. For everyone! If it were up to me we would all be jolly and fat with foodie goodness....
Tonight's dish, Thai Spicy Basil Rice with Shrimp and Veggies
The bounty.
The bounty of the sea.
The bounty of the patty?
All together now............
I had to keep myself from munching.
Eggs beaten...
They are starting to turn pink!
Mmm, done.
Eggs scrambled.
Now for the sauce and rice.
Oh ya.
Can I get an amen?!
Testify!
You know you want it.
Say YES to spicy!!
Say YES to spicy!!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
SAY YES!!!
I have posted over 100 blog entries! (107 to be exact) Which means I am very close to being almost a third of the way through the year!! To be honest, I didn't think I'd last this long. So to celebrate not giving up, let's revisit what I've said YES to so far.
Say YES to.....
*change
*sobriety
*appreciating family
*the simple things in life that I usually take for granted
*half-assing it
*having a birthday
*education
*common sense
*overlooking the little things in order to see the bigger picture
*perseverance and try, try again
*beautiful colour
*making an effort
*being pissed right off
*hope
*nothing
*saying no to my food addiction
*unplugging from yet another one of my habits
*Friday
*Sunday mornings
*delicate beauty of simple things
*trying my best
*having patience
*healthy poops
*homeopathic remedies
*perseverance
*something beautiful today
*food and friendship
*good food
*soaking up some rays too
*my bed
*the fun of de-cluttering
*friends and food
*moderation
*a fine bit of ass
*something sweet
*some retro
*clean
*tolerance
*getting stoked
*always trying to reach the surface
*the weekend
*sometimes saying no and 'Food Babies'
*small traditions
*17 and counting
That's a lot of YESes!!!
Yay for me that I stuck with it!!
Today I happily say YES to tenacity.
Say YES to.....
*change
*sobriety
*appreciating family
*the simple things in life that I usually take for granted
*half-assing it
*having a birthday
*education
*common sense
*overlooking the little things in order to see the bigger picture
*perseverance and try, try again
*beautiful colour
*making an effort
*being pissed right off
*hope
*nothing
*saying no to my food addiction
*unplugging from yet another one of my habits
*Friday
*Sunday mornings
*delicate beauty of simple things
*trying my best
*having patience
*healthy poops
*homeopathic remedies
*perseverance
*something beautiful today
*food and friendship
*good food
*soaking up some rays too
*my bed
*the fun of de-cluttering
*friends and food
*moderation
*a fine bit of ass
*something sweet
*some retro
*clean
*tolerance
*getting stoked
*always trying to reach the surface
*the weekend
*sometimes saying no and 'Food Babies'
*small traditions
*17 and counting
That's a lot of YESes!!!
Yay for me that I stuck with it!!
Today I happily say YES to tenacity.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Mental Mondays Week 3
It's Monday again! Which can only mean it's time for this week's installment of Mental Monday. Last week I gave some nicknames to the ladies in my group but I missed a few. So here are the last of them...
*Hardcore Mother Issues
*Spare Tire
*Must Wear Name brands to Feel Important
*The Girl That I Don't Automatically Dislike
Now let's get something straight. I do not give these names out of malice. True I never plan on befriending any of them but that's because I'm a bit of a misanthrope and certainly don't need to have friends as nutty as me, thank you very much. Besides I cannot reveal their true names and stupid ones I make up are more fun than fake regular names.
Two weeks in a row 'Self Pity Angry Lesbian' told the story of her attempted suicide. This week she told another suicide story although this time not her own. She is, for lack of a better term, pure joy.
'Emo Girl' barely speaks but makes a lot of noise when she walks...strange.
I think 'Drugged Out Porn Blond' is a sweet, smart girl but definitely over medicated. The only way I would see more half-lidded eye action is if I were at a Taco Bell after a Phish concert. Get it??
'Quiet Girl' shall now be known as 'Pink Laces' for that is part of her obviously favourite footwear. (Which is also an awesome name for a band BTW)
'Butch Tammy Faye' must get new glasses. She reminds me of Woody Allen's less cool brother.
'Woman-Child Know It All' insists on removing her footwear every week. Just because you sit on a couch, that does not require that you bypass social convention and air your feet.
Poor 'Sad Mom' spent the first half hour of group looking at the ceiling trying not to cry.
What bugs me most is that we are all at different levels of self-awareness and knowledge. For instance, there are more than a few of the women that don't believe that emotions are natural. NOT NATURAL. The coordinator has tried to explain it. I've tossed in my two cents, repeatedly. But we still come up with nothing. That kind of nonsense way of thinking just does not compute.
All I can say is exasperation.
I say YES to 17 and counting.
*Hardcore Mother Issues
*Spare Tire
*Must Wear Name brands to Feel Important
*The Girl That I Don't Automatically Dislike
Now let's get something straight. I do not give these names out of malice. True I never plan on befriending any of them but that's because I'm a bit of a misanthrope and certainly don't need to have friends as nutty as me, thank you very much. Besides I cannot reveal their true names and stupid ones I make up are more fun than fake regular names.
Two weeks in a row 'Self Pity Angry Lesbian' told the story of her attempted suicide. This week she told another suicide story although this time not her own. She is, for lack of a better term, pure joy.
'Emo Girl' barely speaks but makes a lot of noise when she walks...strange.
I think 'Drugged Out Porn Blond' is a sweet, smart girl but definitely over medicated. The only way I would see more half-lidded eye action is if I were at a Taco Bell after a Phish concert. Get it??
'Quiet Girl' shall now be known as 'Pink Laces' for that is part of her obviously favourite footwear. (Which is also an awesome name for a band BTW)
'Butch Tammy Faye' must get new glasses. She reminds me of Woody Allen's less cool brother.
'Woman-Child Know It All' insists on removing her footwear every week. Just because you sit on a couch, that does not require that you bypass social convention and air your feet.
Poor 'Sad Mom' spent the first half hour of group looking at the ceiling trying not to cry.
What bugs me most is that we are all at different levels of self-awareness and knowledge. For instance, there are more than a few of the women that don't believe that emotions are natural. NOT NATURAL. The coordinator has tried to explain it. I've tossed in my two cents, repeatedly. But we still come up with nothing. That kind of nonsense way of thinking just does not compute.
All I can say is exasperation.
I say YES to 17 and counting.
Meatless Mondays
The Kid and I have decided to start another tradition...going 'meatless' once a week. I felt like a stir-fry would be a good introduction to Meatless Mondays but changed up a few ingredients. We used some 'new to us' stuff like yellow zucchini and red swiss chard.
What? Is it harvest time??
I <3 veggies!
Read the directions carefully. Heh heh...wang.
You know the song. And you know you want to sing it!
Choppin...
Choppin...
Chopped.
Tofu! Yummsville!!
Cookin some 'wang'...
yes
YES
That's a lot of chard.
Dinner is ready!
Say YES to small traditions!
Say YES to small traditions!