Things that make me F<@KING NUTS!! PART 1

For any of you who know me, you also know that I'm not only easily annoyed but I am easily annoyed by the smallest of things. Annoyed by excessive cursing. (Especially my own) All unnecessary noise. Random singing. The Ex did that often. Always loud. Always off key. Always totally out of context. It might have been charming, maybe, if the singing had related to the previous event or conversation or if the song was well sung and not from No Doubt or TLC. But of course that was just me wanting to control everything and everyone around me and ruin the fun that everybody else was having because I think that everything and everyone is stupid and senseless and I like just straight up being an abusive bitch!! (But THAT rant is for another day)

                    Deep breath in........

                                         Deep breath out..............................................

I I am annoyed by so much in fact that I need to do this series of posts in parts. I don't want to give myself a stroke.

 

Do I even have to comment here? 

Calling it a muffin doesn't make it good for you. A chocolate muffin is just a cupcake for morons.

False hope bothers me. There are always things about ourselves that we may dislike or want to change. Where are the commercials telling us it's ok and beautiful to be flawed? It's products like this that make it near impossible to find a significant other to accept you for who you are because airbrushed fake plastic people are everywhere and we have to be like them or ThePeopleOfWalmart.com will become the next dating website.


People that think my depression isn't a REAL ailment. That I'm just being a bummer and that I can just think myself happy. Someone put this on a facebook friend's wall...
"Telling a person suffering from depression to 'Cheer up' or 'Snap out of it' is like telling a blind person to 'Look harder'.
If you think that I choose to be this way, you are an idiot. If you think I don't work hard every minute of every day to fight my illness, you are an idiot. And to everyone that has ever told me 'Chin up buttercup' in one form or another, GET BENT.

People that gain celebrity through reality television. How proud they all must be. Famous the world over for being douchebags.








Most reality television including sensationalist programs like Maury and Springer. Seriously, why do we need shows like Bridalplasty, Jersey Shore, The Kardashians, Swamp People, Rehab with Dr. Drew and the hundreds of others that seem to have no point but to exploit the underbelly of humanity. Sure there are some reality programs that show the tenacity and strength of the human spirit which I find uplifting. But even those somehow get ruined by routine and commercialism. Here's one that I saw just today, even though it has been around for at least six seasons.

Now you tell me what the hell the point of that is...

Regret and heartache

I've been ending a relationship for over a year now. The above cartoon is how we were dealing with each others feelings. Both of us too afraid to love and be loved. Always turning to bad habits to deal with life. Me and my anger pushing him away. Him and his alcoholism pushing me away. The two of us never really knowing each other, only knowing each others sick mask. I wanted to grow. I wanted him to grow with me. But he wasn't ready and I wasn't willing to wait any longer. So I forced change as best I could. I was so busy forcing that I squandered away what time we had together instead of accepting him and enjoying him. All the while becoming more resentful and distant. He only wanted what I wanted. To be understood. To be himself. To be loved and to love. But he wanted those things while drinking. And being selfish. And always putting me last. And never reaching my expectations. And robbing me of myself.
I find it incredible that love and hate are so closely related. Such passion is felt with both. I loved him until I hated him. I loved the thought of him. I loved what I thought he could be. When it was good, I loved the way he made me feel. When it was bad, I hated him for what he turned me into to. At times, I hated to be with him. And now I miss him.
I've been mourning the loss of a relationship for a year and a half without having lost it. Without moving on. And now that it's done, I was hoping there would be a sense of relief. Like as if I have been ill for a long time and am now well. But I feel no relief, only regret for things I did or didn't do and a great hollow ache deep within me that swells to tear up my eyes and choke up my throat.
I will be filled with questions of "Did I do the right thing?", "Why didn't I do or say things differently?", "What if I've just made the biggest mistake? What if he only needed more time? What if...".

What if he was my last chance.

In a minute...

So it seems that writing a daily blog has proven more difficult than I imagined. I figured it would be challenging but not to this extent. It's difficult coming up with ideas that are worth writing about let alone worth reading. (This by the way is not one of those ideas, sorry) In fact I think the blogs I've done so far are fairly substandard but I never claimed to be a writer. Put the writing aside for a moment though. I'm amazed that someone (that's me) who is currently unemployed and does not have any hobbies or an active personal life simply does not find the time to write.

Now maybe you're thinking "Life gets busy" or "Regular everyday stuff piles up" or "These things happen". There's nothing necessarily preventing me from writing. True I have a hard time with ideas. (So far they ain't been so hot but I'm still trying to find my feet here) I don't have any true distractions. No job. I don't volunteer. The Kid is in school all day. Televisions can be turned off. Facebook will go on without me. I don't usually answer my telephone. (Not that anyone calls me...misanthropes don't have many friends) So there is really nothing stopping me from blogging my ass off! But here it is February and I haven't gotten into a daily routine and I'm up to my eyes in unwritten blogs. Why? Because I put things off....

This deal with putting things off is what is called PROCRASTINATION. To procrastinate is to defer action, to delay. I'm pretty good at deferring all kinds of things. In fact I wish there was a paying job for someone like me. Professional Procrastinator. So today I decided to change it up a little. This morning I chose to say YES to a new process of 'Getting started early and blogging first before I do other stuff'. It started off ok but now it's like 3pm and I'm still not done and really don't even like what the hell crap it is that I'm typing. I didn't turn off the television. And I've been on YouTube and facebook. The Kid stayed home from school and needed cuddle time. Breakfast, lunch and three tea breaks have passed. Text messages. Grumbling about this stupid devil cell phone. Multiple phone calls from the co-op office. Having to share a computer. Blowing my nose 63 times. Two coughing fits. Five bathroom breaks. So it's all gone to shit and I don't even have a point. Not really. So what is the point?
Maybe....

Shit does happen. And eventually I'll finish and that should be good enough. So that's ok.

Also in order to say YES to my blog I need to learn to say NO to not only distraction but to the needs of someone else. (I need to 'defer' those needs. Eh? Check me out using new words.) And that's ok too.

In fact maybe there are all kinds of lessons to be learned here. Lessons about being a 'true' adult or time management or prioritizing or how procrastination is really just a perfectionist's fear of failure materializing or exactly how much time gets wasted on nothing.

So since my first attempt at changing my daily routine didn't work out so well. I will instead say YES to perseverance and try, try again.

Snow day sshmowday Part 3

Ok so snow can be beautiful but you still gotta shovel it.....

The third of my favourite 'relax day' activities is by far the most important and terrific one of all.....

                                                         MOVIES!!!!!!!!


I love movies. I love the great movies and I love the crappy movies. There's the movies that you can barely watch once and the ones that you watch over and over again. I wish there was a way for me to watch every movie that was ever made.


I snuck into this one when I was eight. I think that may be the reason why I have an aversion to little people.

Hey K, does the Billy Barty character look like someone we know and don't love? hahahaha

There are a ton of movies I want to list here and more clips to show you but the Kid wants her laptop back and she's been very patient so I'll leave those for another day and get to the important one.

No matter what the occasion and no matter what my mood, the movie I enjoy watching over and over again the most...the one that I know all the words to....(musical fanfare please)....

                    JAWS!!!!!

I only have it on VHS tape and it's in my VCR right now, always is...

Snow day schmowday Part 2

No one wants to be out in that white devil mess. Always on edge wondering if the idiots on the road are directly in front of you or worse! behind you about ready to crash into you. Why jeopardize your well being? It's too much risk. Instead take that thrill seeker in you and sit it down with a hot cup of whatever you like to drink (...coffee, tea, cocoa or Dr. Pepper if you're a Christopher Walken character) and risk a good read! I like to read for pleasure only. No learning for me thanks. If I'm reading to learn it's called work and me no likey work. Here's a few of my favourite reads and re-reads.

Ahh Mr. King. I do love his twisted mind. Of course if you have ever traveled through Maine (his home state) you would see that maybe he's not really that twisted and just plain entertaining. I've enjoyed almost everything he has written even as Richard Bachman. However I think my favourite is The Dead Zone. I adore the subject matter. I often wanted to be the main character Johnny Smith. To be special in a way that no one else was. And I think on some level I always  identified with John's obsession.

I have never read any of Mr. Deaver's other works. My mother suggested this one to me. Again the subject matter intrigues me. I can only imagine how wonderful it must be to have a scientific forensic brain, no emotion only fact.
 Compelling crime thrilla!!

 Seriously do I even need to say anything here....just read it.









 Only my train of thought and I love Zooey Deschanel...

But you won't find any of that in the book.

Snow day shmowday Part 1

 

Today is a snow day. And if you're not outside 'enjoying' the snow (something that I think is simple absurd. How does anyone enjoy that annoying shit?) you may be inside enjoying one of your favourite indoor activities. (No not THAT one...you most likely have kids home from school to put the kibosh on that or you're like me and are ALONE...and I no longer indulge in self-service. Ya I said it.) Anyhoo, one of my three favourite activities to waste away the day is watching cartoons. I could watch them day and night. Let's face it folks, cartoons are not just for kids anymore. These are some that are close to my heart for various reasons...don't judge me. I can feel you judging me.

There's the classics of course that bring you back to childhood. Sitting in your pj's, chowing down on a bowl of your favourite cereal, hair all tousled and sleep crusts still in your eyes...

Then there's the ones that I got to like when watching with the Kid....

 

And the always popular but more for adults cartoons like The Simpsons, Southpark, Family Guy, American Dad, Futurama and this oldie and goodie...

I'm not ill, I blame facebook

The laundry didn't get folded and put away yesterday.
The dishes are still in the sink.
I need to vacuum this carpet.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
The bathroom is disgusting. I should do that next.
My bedroom is a mess maybe I'll reorganize that first.
I can't stand the stink of the garbage. I should take that out before anything else.
But I'm still behind on my blog, I have to write something today.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I haven't been to the bank yet.
I didn't call my counselor back.
Maybe I should check the mail, I haven't done that in weeks.
I should probably have a shower. I'm starting to smell and my teeth are fuzzy.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I have to get to the gym. I have to lose weight. I'm too fat.
I have to run those errands for mom.
I need to finish that homework for my counselor.
I didn't take my pills again last night. I have to start taking my pills.
I wish I was thinner.
If I was smart I would have gone to school.
I'm so ugly.
Maybe I'll do something fun with the Kid tonight. We haven't done anything special for ages.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I have to figure out what we're having for dinner, better check the freezer.
I really need to clean this fridge.
The dishes still need to be done.
I'll water the plants first.
Then I'll feed the fish and the hamster.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I waste too much time on facebook.
I really need to dust.
Then I can vacuum.
But the laundry is still on the floor. I should put that away first.

You're so stupid and lazy. You can't do anything right. You can't even clean a small apartment. You can't keep a job. You can't keep a man. You suck as a mother. The Kid would be better off somewhere else. This is why you have no friends. Because you're stupid and lazy and fat and ugly and you suck. No one wants to be around you. You're worthless. You're useless. You'll never do anything. You'll never go anywhere.You'll never be anything. You are just a big fat zero. A disappointment. A nothing. Everyone knows what a terrible person you are. You should just do everyone a favour and kill yourself. Everything you need is in the bathroom. Take some pills. Break open a razor. Make sure to cut deep this time. No one wants you. No one needs you. They are better off without you. Just do it already. Kill yourself. Horrible people don't deserve to live. Stupid lazy selfish ugly fat bitch. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.


I'll just check facebook and then get started.