Sick in Love

Remember loving someone so much it hurt? You spent all of your time with them. And if you weren't with them, you were on the phone with them. Or texting. Or facebooking. Always touching. Hugging. Kissing. Fucking. You felt like you would die without them. You never wanted to be apart.

We all went through it as teenagers. Some of us missed a lot of highschool because of it. Lost touch with friends. Feelings so intense you thought your heart might burst. Or you might at least throw up. Remember thinking you couldn't possibly love anyone else that much? So devastating if you got dumped. You would never find someone like that again. It would never be the same.

Of course in our twenties it became more complicated. The race to get married and have a life with someone was on. To start a family. The epic quest for the love of your life and to gain total personal happiness. We all want it, don't we? Some of us found it or found something like it. Some of us settled. Some of us are still searching. I never found the love of my life. Out of fear of being alone, I settled once. I thought I came close to finding it once but it was only my co-dependence showing. And currently I'm fighting for a possibility. When it comes to boys, I can be quite tenacious. If my relationships had a template or time line, it might look something like this...

FIRST SIX MONTHS : Put all of your heart and soul into pleasing the man and being the best version of yourself possible. (the you that you would like to be, the you that everyone else likes best, the you that is sometimes too exhausting to be) The absolute best and most fun time in the relationship. Hump as much as humanly possible.

SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR : If you haven't gotten the man under your thumb yet, assimilate yourself into everything he enjoys. (If you can't beat them join them) Resentment is beginning to set in. Arguing starts. Humping is still going strong at 85%.

ONE YEAR TO 18 MONTHS : Full out resentment has set in because you don't get the attention that you want or that you have earned. You find fault in everything that he does. You are the only one that wants this relationship to work of course. Ya you're being a bitch but it's only because he's being an asshole. If only he would listen to what you're saying and do what you ask everything would be better. Humping has been cut back to 65%

18 MONTHS TO TWO YEARS : It's a love/hate relationship. Nothing works the way you want it to. Always fighting. But always loving too. Just not much liking. Convincing yourself that you shouldn't be together but there is so much potential for a great relationship if only both of you could work out your personal issues that are keeping you apart. Since humping is the only thing you do well together that's still happening with some frequency because really it's all you've got left.

But let's get back to my tenacity shall we? I have faults. I am VERY aware of them. No person is perfect therefore no relationship is perfect. I am unwilling to abandon a person just because they have issues. Life isn't Wal-Mart. If there's a defect, you don't return or exchange it. I wouldn't appreciate being ditched for my faults. So I don't ditch. But when is enough, enough? Sometimes tough decisions have to be made for the greater good. That being said, this past New Year, I made a tough decision. The man that I think about constantly. The man that I believe I have a deep connection with. The man that perhaps I would spend the rest of my life with. The man that I claim to love. I told this man to go away from me and get his shit together. So that I too could get my shit together. That way we could be healthy individuals that come together to have a healthy relationship.

Courageous? Stupid? Desperately clinging to a secure option? Or have I, for once in my life, decided that I like me and deserve more. Not only from the man in my life but from myself.
I think finding love is a difficult thing for anyone. When you get to a certain stage in life, throwing caution to the wind and the wild vulnerability that comes with dating and relationships is taxing to say the least.  Terrifying would be a better word. I'm not interested in starting over. I'm interested in exploring the potential that I see in this man. The potential I see in myself. If we could only get out of our own way, I think we could have something spectacular. But for the moment I am stuck with my new found resolve and  that crushing 'Can't live without him' feeling that makes me want to throw up.