As well as dealing with a cheating, lying, rat bastard (a story that I will share at a later date when I'm not so angry and hurt) this last week I believed I was pregnant.
My period did not arrive. I didn't automatically panic with the absence of this monthly visitor. I usually run two or three days late each month. (not that you really wanted to know) But when there was still no Aunt Flo a week after those two or three days, it became a concern.
So I peed on a stick.
The stick proclaimed me knocked up.
So let's have a look at the situation. I am nearing 40. I have significant mental illness for which I take multiple medications. I have an on-again off-again relationship with a depressed unemployed alcoholic that lives with his parents. We don't always treat each other well. And he has cheated on me. He also has a new girlfriend so I thought my only choice was to terminate the pregnancy. Because unlike other women I know, I refuse to have a child without being in a committed stable relationship.
At first he agreed to support my decision. And even talked about giving up other women because I was more important. Then he accused me of fabricating the whole story in order to get him back. In which he verbally abused me for hours relentlessly making me cry. Do you know how hard it is to convince someone, especially a drunk abusive someone, of something that only you had knowledge of or witnessed?? He says that because he doesn't keep track of my cycle, he wouldn't know that I'm late. He wanted me to prove it by taking another test. He also claimed that since I'm mentally ill, I would have no problem lying about such things. Girls do stuff like this all the time, he says. Well because he was so brutal, I ended up going to the hospital the next day to speak to a crisis worker. He however went running to the girl that he cheated on me with and hasn't left her side since. So much for being there for me.
When I was at the hospital they ordered blood work for me so we could know for sure. They insisted on it actually since I was stupid enough to have purchased the pregnancy test from the dollar store. I should have known better, only three weeks ago I bought two flashlights from a dollar store and only the one worked properly. So in the course of talking to the crisis worker, the nurse came in to give me the news...
NOT PREGNANT.
I immediately broke down, the nurse having to console me saying that tests aren't always reliable. I was so confused and sad and angry. For almost a week I thought I was pregnant and wrestled with the difficult decisions that went along with it. I agonized over it. I stopped eating (for the most part). I thought about killing myself. And had the man that I love treated me horribly and went out of his way to make me feel completely worthless instead of being supportive. And for what? Not a fucking thing.
So I am a crazy desperate woman making up pregnancies in order to continue an abusive relationship with a selfish cheating liar......
...OR.....
did I piss on a bad test?
Well I know the answer to that. Anyone with common sense would too. And I guess it's a good thing that I'm not pregnant, even though secretly it's what I wanted and I'm actually devastated that I'm not having a baby with my Ex. It's one of the things that I wanted out of the relationship with him. Although I never fully admitted it. So I'm left with all these confusing, conflicting feelings only knowing one thing for sure...never buy a pregnancy test from a dollar store.
Say YES to blood tests
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