Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Joy of Pooping

*DISCLAIMER* This blog is all about human excrement!!! If you don't want to read about fecal matter, go away...

Following in a great tradition of Joys, I would like to discuss The Joy of Pooping!! Poop. Otherwise know as... Number Two. BM. Crap. Shit. Dropping a deuce. Pinching a loaf. Turd. Dump. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Feces. Excrement. Defecation.

Everyone poops. (Isn't that a kid's book or something?) Poop is important. Poop is the barometer in which to measure our health. How often. How much. The shape. The colour. The smell. Does it float? Does it sink? Is there food in it? Blood? Mucous? If we poop too much or too often, there's a problem. If we're not pooping, there's a problem.

I used to be a great pooper! I pooped everyday. Good size. Good shape. I was happy. I had the same ups and downs as anybody else. Like drinking too much beer at the Bonnie or eating Dirty Dick burritos might make things interesting the next day but on the whole (or hole ba da bump) things were pretty routine. Until almost two years ago. Anytime I ate I would almost immediately experience the following
*lots and lots of crap
My body would no longer process all kinds of things like pasta, pizza and all manners of fruit and vegetables. I remember one time that I had a spinach salad. Good for you, right? Not. Only 20 minutes after I started eating it, it violently exited the other end...intact. Lots of my food comes out that way, like it has been through a Slap Chop instead of a intestinal tract. After suffering with this new embarrassment for a while, I finally went to the doctor and he said you have IBS. Otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If you are unfamiliar with it please READ. There was a time that I shit through the eye of a needle for 5 WEEKS STRAIGHT. Do you have any idea what that is like?? No matter what you eat or drink, it WILL exit your body quickly, frequently, painfully and in searing hot copious amounts. If Hollywood had produced an anal version of The Exorcist, that movie was my life for 5 weeks. I can still hear my bowels yelling in that demonic voice, "The sow is mine!".
When your body is rejecting everything, you have to limit what you do. And where you go. And who you're with. You need to know where every washroom is. How far away you are from said washroom etc etc. It's not cool being on the brink of soiling yourself at any moment for weeks on end.
Thankfully that phase of it ended. Or at least that's what I thought at first. When you're constantly pooping you pray for it to stop. Then it does stop. And then you don't poop at all. And the realization, that constipation is just as horrible as diarrhea, sets in.
When you don't poop for 5 or 6 days straight, you start to pray for your old friend diarrhea.  Do you know how angry a person can get after 6 days of not pooping? (It's what really happened to Bruce Banner, not gamma rays.)
So now you have to eat tons of fiber and tons of probiotics just to have a poop like anybody else.

I am happy to announce that for the last 2 weeks I have rediscovered the Joy of Pooping!! Two weeks straight of glorious, wonderful, satisfying, regular, daily poops. I get all choked up just thinking about it. I don't know what changed and I'm not sure I care.

I've been reunited with my poop and it feels so good.

But I'm no Fat Bastard!

Say YES to healthy poops!!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Birthday 'Sleepover Kit'

For the Kid's birthday she is having a friend sleepover tonight. (Next weekend is the BIG birthday sleepover with lots of kids...) Anyway, we had the Mandarin Birthday Dinner last night with the Mom and two friends of the family. After dinner was done the Kid got to open her birthday gift from our friends. It was a 'Birthday Sleepover Kit' that they had assembled. The Kid was thrilled. It included funky wigs, glow-in-the-dark stuff, junk food, crafts, music, surprise bags and some other stuff. Very cool gift. The two girls have been having a great time with the 'Kit'. One of the highlights being the surprise spray streamer attack on me while I was quietly sitting in my room. Our poor cat Beans took the brunt of it and I spent 5 minutes picking the toxic stuff out of his fur. (I think he's still hiding under my bed.) However the very best was when the girls opened the surprise bags and found Ricky Martin collectible post cards circa 1999. (The same year the Kid was born.) We all had a good laugh and the Kid suggested that the cards were so funny I should blog about them. So here they are.

Collect all 72!
The girls thought he should have been holding a cell phone. I think he's laughing to himself about how he fooled so many heterosexual women into loving him. "Silly breeders!"
I'd like to say that this is a waste of a crotch shot. A Ken doll has a better package.
Ooh he's trying to touch me...
Classic Ricky.

Thanks 'Aunt' J and 'Uncle' A                                                                                          


My awesome Possum

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I don't care to do that.

I don't care to obligate myself to do stuff. I don't care for being forced into doing stuff. I don't care for being rushed. I like being on my own personal schedule, not other people's schedules. But of course I'm an adult and I have to do all those things that I don't care to do. So what is my reward for carrying out said activities?
Headaches. Jaw aches. (from clenching my teeth) Exhaustion. Body aches. But the worst of it is the constant dump of adrenaline that I feel in my chest. If you don't automatically know what I mean, I want you to think of a situation where you were genuinely frightened. Maybe you were almost in a car accident. Maybe your kid chased after his ball into a busy street. Or maybe someone decided it would be funny to jump out at you from around a corner in a dark room. Now do you remember that uncomfortable feeling you got in your chest? That overwhelming rush of uncontrolled energy that makes you stop and catch your breath? Now imagine that happening up to 6 times a day. Imagine it lasting sometimes for an hour or more each time. That pulsating tightness in your chest and neck seemingly never ending.
It is most likely anxiety of some sort. (I'm riddled with it.) However it could be heart palpitations. I'm nearing 40. Overweight. Sedentary in lifestyle. Vitamin deficient. Poor diet. Stressed.
So to be on the safe side, I will be attending a doctor's appointment this Monday in which I will be requesting a heart monitor.

Heart irregularity or all in my head.
I'll just have to wait and see...

Today I say YES to having patience.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Remember when you were a kid and your dad would take you by the hands and spin in a circle and swing you round and round. Your feet flying. Hair blowing in the wind. And you would laugh and laugh. And when he stopped you would yell, "Again again!" And because he was dad he always had one more spin just for you...


Let me just say up front, I AM NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER. I do not in any way know what the hell I'm doing when I have a camera in my hands. Don't talk to me about apertures because I don't know what those are. I do like taking pictures though. I have a fancy camera that I don't know how to use. In fact I had to resort to finding a tutor to help my impossibly dumb ass with it. Anyway, like I said I like to take pictures and even though I didn't know what I was doing, I took some pictures and thought I would share them. I think it will be interesting to watch me grow as a 'photographer' over the course of the next 10 months or more. So here is the beginning...don't laugh too hard at the quality of them, it's mainly just trees and water, nothing spectacular.

I love me some clouds.

Who knows this guy?

I can only hope for improvement...

Today I say YES to trying my best!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

You like me! Part 2

Almost two weeks ago I received a blog award from a fellow blogger and had some fun telling lies about myself. If you hadn't read it, you can check it out HERE. A couple of you made guesses but were wrong.
*I dislike The Bachelor so much that if given the chance, I would gladly drown the creator of the show in filthy ditch water.
*I love love love zombie killing games however I am not good at them and when the apocalypse comes I most likely won't last very long.
*I don't love all of my friends. Don't take it personally, it's just in my nature.
*Although it would be very much like me to mutilate myself in such a way, I do not or have ever had any webbing anywhere on my person...I am not a sideshow freak people.
*So that leaves only one possibility doesn't it. It's true, I have a mad crush on someone on my Facebook...but I'll never tell who.

Thanks to all of you for reading my blog so far!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...

There is a long list of things in this world that make me smile and make me feel all warm and fuzzy deep down inside my shriveled black heart.
The smell of freshly cut grass. The red of a perfectly ripened strawberry. The exhilaration of a first kiss. The cool, almost green quality of the air in a dense stand of trees. Really good pizza.

Today I thought I would share some of them and encourage you to say YES to the delicate beauty of simple things.

You gotta LOVE the little things....

Sunday, February 20, 2011

How can it be Sunday already??

I had my Friday night on Saturday and now it's Sunday. I can't believe it's frakin' Sunday. I know Sunday mornings are usually associated with church. But my Sunday mornings are filled with eggs on toast, hot milky tea and a warm cozy bed. Long stretches. Messy hair. Kitty snuggles. And sometimes, like this morning, recovering from the night before. Sunday mornings are supposed to be peaceful, enjoyable, and easy just like Mr. Ritchie says.

I googled 'Sunday morning' and these were some of the results I liked...

Say YES to Sunday mornings.