Friday, May 27, 2011


This week went by wicked fast, I can't believe it's Friday already! And you know we all love Friday! Really even if it is not the end to your work week, you know you love it, don't deny it, denial is ugly.

Anyway, two fantastic things happened this week, one was mind-blowingly fun and the other weird and interesting.

Shatner would want to hear about the weird so I'll start there. If you have been paying attention you will have noticed that I take medications and go to therapy regularly. However in my quest for personal wellness that just isn't enough for me. I challenge myself to face the dark and scary parts of my being head on. There is no running away. There is only dealing with it no matter how difficult it is to do so. To tell you the truth I've never understood avoiding problems (even though I've done it) because they will only be there waiting for you, they don't just go away on their own. In fact I think they get bigger every time you turn your back on them. Just sayin. But anyhow, yesterday I went for a Matrix treatment. If you are unfamiliar, no worries, read THIS.
I know it's a lot to take in isn't it. But get this! As hokum as it sounds....stuff actually happened. No fricking joke. Now I've had REIKI before and thought that was cool. Matrix has similar effects but there's more to it. My whole body reacted in shivering, numbness, heaviness and crying. I felt quite relaxed and happy afterward and can't wait to see what subtle changes will occur in the coming weeks.

This past Monday, being that it was a holiday and all, I didn't have to go to group so there was no installment of 'Mental Mondays'. There was no installment of anything because I went to Toronto with a couple of hot bitches to a kick ass Industrial concert instead!!!
We made friends before we even got in the doors. I noticed the guy ahead of us in line had his zipper down. Now I have a history of noticing open trap doors thanks to the Ex, so don't go thinking I'm out there checking out every guy's junk, okay? Anyway my friend Lori decided to inform him of his situation and that cemented our fourth in our group for the evening. He was nice enough to give us a free ticket for the concert even.
The bands that were playing were Cyanotic, (which now I think is ironic since I've been told to think outside the box and was there exploring things which gave me pleasure) and Front Line Assembly. There were also two DJs, {iVardensphere} (which I didn't much care for) and DJ?ACUCRACK. One word there....awesome. Look them up, you won't regret it.

The music was fantastic! I met lots of people. I befriended a cool young man. I even met band members. (Gave one of them a back rub in fact hubba hubba) And I was dancing for almost seven hours, without complaint Lori and Gina! At one point I gathered little Lori up in my arms and danced so she could still dance without having to use her own feet. Awww. I had a great time with two cool chicks. Turns out that I'm awesome in big cities as well as the small ones. No need to be jealous, anyone can achieve awesomeness.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Because Sam wants it....

I have an overwhelming need to explain that I am not an artist but I enjoy the act of putting paint to canvas. If I never become good at painting, that's fine, I will accept that but I will still continue painting regardless. I love colour. I love shapes. I love abstract.

I decided to paint something for a friend and her husband. Hers was a belated birthday present and his a birthday present. I also wanted them to be a kind of set. So here they are....

The female of the set for my friend...

And for her husband I painted my interpretation of what a guitar looks like when you strum it. He loves guitars...

So it is what it is....

Poetry Wednesday. Oh yeah!

This week's poem I dedicate to all the women out there that are not cut out from a magazine or from a Hollywood movie. There is a long history of us women being told what is beautiful and what is not beautiful and trying to fit in to those size zero molds. We find ourselves buying pills, lotions and potions, new this, new that and improved whatevers just to reach someone else's idea of wonderful. And stupid us have believed it! Hook, line and sinker!! Well I for one have witnessed the power of inner confidence and how that confidence turns into magnetism and how that magnetism has made me not only happy but very fun and very, very popular.  Each and every one of us has the power of awesome within. We don't need to be thin. We don't need to be pretty. We don't need to have a magazine or a man to validate or define us. We only need ourselves.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm a Party Villian

The last time I posted was Friday! It's Tuesday!! This weekend has been a bit of a blur.

So have the last few weeks for that matter.

My life in fact is gaining velocity.

So when I was taking a breather today with the Kid, watching a cartoon movie and chowing down on some za, it hit me. This new found version of myself, this wonderful surprising unveiling of me that has been so long in coming, has an awesome new name. It describes my awesomeness and appetite for massive fun perfectly.

I'm committing awesomeness with both direction and magnitude! Oh yeah!!

Say YES to giving your own life some direction and magnitude!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Jump! Jump! Jump!

This past Wednesday I joined a friend at a group meditation. It was a surprisingly large group and I was quite excited to be in attendance. It became even more exciting when I found out there was a Deep Trance Medium there that was going to channel some spirits and answer questions to a select few. Well the meditation didn't pan out so well for me because a had a blasted cough attack halfway through.

But here's the most awesome part!

Let's put aside meeting lovely people and being part of something special on it's first night and trying new things, sure those things are all great. But it was time for the channeling and I had my name in the box to possibly be picked to ask a question. I patiently sat there listening to the other people's questions and the responses that were given. And the whole time repeating in my head 'Pick me next' 'Pick me next' 'Pick me next'. And you know what happened?? I got picked next!!! My question for the Medium was "What is supposed to be my passion in life?". (Or something like that because I can't actually remember how I worded it.) Anyhow, here is a brief synopsis of what I was told...

I have to start thinking outside the box. I have to experiment and do whatever gives me pleasure. I have to take that jump. She pointed out that currently my creative passion is writing.

Writing people. There was other stuff too but I don't remember exactly what it was. I only remember being wowed and feeling that I was right on track with that part of my life. Even the wording she used like 'jump' had meaning since it was what I was talking to my friend about only days earlier. It was a truly amazing experience.
So the next day I went out and got some more painting supplies. And today I deemed my dining room as the 'Art Studio'.
The Universe has been talking to me lately. It's been a good conversation so far. So if the Universe says 'Jump' I will respond with 'How high?'.
I have always lived in fear but that's not really living now is it? The Universe wants me to think outside the be it. MY question is 'Will the Universe be able to handle me?'.

Be courageous.
It's one of the 
only places left
                            Anita Roddick

 Say YES to jumping!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Nope, not today

I've been coughing for almost three days straight after having a bitch of a sore throat for the past week and a half. I have not slept properly for days because of the pain and discomfort of the sore throat and the top of my head having come clean off with the coughing. I had a really cool night last night but am too tired and too fed up to share it right now. But I'm still uber awesome. I'm always awesome.

And speaking of awesome....

If you got some, smoke it. Or do another shooter. Or take a hit of something. Sit back. Relax.
And watch...

Yes that just happened.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Poetry!! Wednesday!!

Horses and Men in Rain by Carl Sandburg
LET us sit by a hissing steam radiator a winter’s day, gray wind pattering frozen raindrops on the window,
And let us talk about milk wagon drivers and grocery delivery boys.

Let us keep our feet in wool slippers and mix hot punches—and talk about mail carriers and messenger boys slipping along the icy sidewalks.

Let us write of olden, golden days and hunters of the Holy Grail and men called “knights” riding horses in the rain, in the cold frozen rain for ladies they loved.

A roustabout hunched on a coal wagon goes by, icicles drip on his hat rim, sheets of ice wrapping the hunks of coal, the caravanserai a gray blur in slant of rain.

Let us nudge the steam radiator with our wool slippers and write poems of Launcelot, the hero, and Roland, the hero, and all the olden golden men who rode horses in the rain. 
This week's poem is for Tdot who warned me about the horse tonight. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mental Monday Jackassery

My dialectical behaviour therapy group is really starting to piss me off. The point of the group is to teach people with Borderline Personality Disorder mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance. You see us kooky Borderline folks are characterized by what's called 'emotional dysregulation' which is almost like we have too many emotions. Now typically we are a negative self-hating bunch.

Been there, done that, got the freakin t-shirt.

So far in group little actual work has been done and there has been a lot of crying and whining and my life is hell-ing. Well if you guys haven't noticed my attitude towards myself and the world has changed radically and I want to work even harder to continue that growth and change. And that is what I fill my days with, ways in which I can continue to grow in positive ways. So when I come bouncing into group with a smile on my face ready to learn and share my positive growth only to be greeted by complaining sadsack life haters, it's a pretty big freakin harsh on my glorious mellow.

So today in group I lost it and went off on a bit of a rant. I questioned the content of the group. I questioned the leadership of the group. And I challenged, almost dared, the group members to pull their heads out of their asses. I also declared, and I quote "Coming to this group is a bummer!"

I will return next week. And I will make the best of it. I will learn something, even if I have to be my own teacher. But I won't keep my big mouth shut.

Say YES to standing up for what you want.

My Braveheart moment...

Say YES to freedom!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My life isn't big enough for you and my fuck off

I'm sad and angry today because I'm stuck between a rock and an awesome place.

A relationship of two and a half years came to an abrupt end just over two weeks ago. The relationship was rocky at best. There were many hardships on both sides. And for all the love that we claimed to have for one another, it still wasn't enough to overcome the sickness that each of us were suffering from and subjecting each other to.
Three days after the end, I chose to embrace myself and take back my life and have been going strong since.

It's true that I'm angry over how it ended but it had to end. And now all I want is to move on. I'm tired of the poor communication. I'm tired of the unhealthy boundaries. The manipulation. The neglect. The overwhelming emotional strain.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all terrible. I have many warm, touching and happy memories. I will miss many things about him and the good that did exist between us. I have learned many things. And will go on to love the next man with a more open heart and a clearer head and be happier doing it.

My awesomeness is well established and the fans of my awesomeness are growing exponentially.

So here's the rock...him. He has a new girlfriend, new job, new friends, no longer an alcoholic and has a new lease on life. (All of which is very good, I'm not wanting to deny him his happiness, we all deserve it after all.) And has accomplished all of this in only two weeks. I know all of this because he made a point of calling me to tell me all about it. Oh and to tell me repeatedly that he still cares about me and wants us to be friends. Seriously??

Did I get angry? You're damn fucking right I did!! I am a wonderful person that is terrific beyond fantastic! How dare he think he can call and mess with MY new life? He chose to walk away so keep fucking walking! Yes I have issues that get in the way but in spite of those things I still rock. He couldn't be bothered with me at my worst so he doesn't deserve me at my best. (Which BTW has been in full swing since the rock removed himself from my life...) And running off the way he did and then calling to brag or seek attention from me is just more douchebaggery that I don't want or need.

Why? Do I really need to know? Do I really even care? Too much damage has been done. And I'm not going to act as a second girlfriend. If he wanted to make things work out between us, he should have kept his dick in his pants and did a little more thinking with the other head.

Say YES to saying enough is enough.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Joyful people
live their lives 
finding ways to 
celebrate what is
and not what
could have been.

Jane Jayroe

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Poetry a la Wednesday

The Alien's Tooth Rant
by The Kid

We've all seen Earth and Earthlings
and all the stuff they do.
Like, flying in winged spaceships, 
and chewing their OWN food!

Don't ask me how they do it
without their food flying away.
Perhaps it's the white things in their mouth
that sit there everyday!

So about the things in the their gums,
oh yes, they have gums too.
They 'smile', speak and other things,
All while chewing their OWN food!

The crazy thing about these 'teeth'
is that they sometimes will fall out!
And you'd think since they are made of bone,
the Earthlings would scream and shout!

But no, of course not,
they get happy and full of joy,
since when a 'tooth' comes out,
you get money or a toy!

They also clean these 'teeth'
with little furry sticks!
And after all this trouble
they use minty strings and 'toothpicks'

I guess it's hard to believe
all the things these Earthlings do.
But one thing is for sure...
It's absolutely true!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I've been choosing to do things differently lately and it's been working out awesomely. But I've realized that really what I've been doing is the opposite of what I would usually George from 'Seinfeld'.

And today was no different. I was going to pick up a friend and I would usually turn left out of my driveway but I decided to turn right instead and take the scenic route, like my friend Tdot would. And I'm glad I did because I discovered something that most would think ordinary but I found to be beautiful.

They may be weeds but they are pretty. And in great numbers, breathtaking. There's a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps about taking a second look at something that at first you thought was of no use to you.

Say YES to opposites and second looks.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Lonely Mental Monday

I don't have much to share today because there were only four of us in group. I guess it was too beautiful a day for the rest of them to be inside talking about all the stuff that's screwed up in their lives. So instead I'll talk about some observations I made at the gym today that made me mental.

There were so many old people there today I thought I walked onto the set of a 'Cocoon' movie sequel.

Dear YMCA weight scale....You claim that I have gained three pounds in a week even though I'm eating half as much and not drinking. I claim that you are a dirty lying bastard and you can go fuck yourself.

Excuse me middle-aged woman wearing no bra, I can see your massive nipples from across the room. Exercise requires movement, boobs require a bra. Please buy one.

Hey fella on the treadmill! If you resemble Lamar from 'Revenge of the Nerds' when you's time to stop running. Just sayin....

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Phenomenal Weekend

This weekend has been the most fun that I have had with my pants on in a very long time. I got out of the house, danced, sang, laughed, met a ton of people and made lots of new friends. And I did it all while feeling confident and looking way hot!
I am amazed by the power of saying YES! I put it into active practice this weekend, spreading fun and positivity wherever I went and received twice as much in return! I've never been hugged so much in my life!
I have spent so much time saying no to new experiences, to my now ex-boyfriend(especially) and to my myself(most of all) and didn't really think much of my little personal growth experiment. But after this weekend, I am 100% convinced that I am on the right track to total fulfillment in all aspects of life.

Everything I need for personal happiness is all within me. I've relied too long on other things and other people (like my ex-boyfriend) to make me happy and it didn't work but not anymore. I've finally taken control. There's no tuning back. My eyes have been opened to life and all its possibilities. I feel like I have a really juicy, exciting secret and it makes me giddy.

Say YES to a little Vive!

Where for art thou, Poetry Wednesday?

These segments of the blog are called 'Poetry Wednesday' because 1) I share a poem in some way, shape or form and 2) The segment is to be posted on WEDNESDAY. But here it is Sunday and I've just realized that I didn't post anything this past Wednesday because I was too busy wallowing in pathetic sadness.

Better late then never...

Say YES to living your own movie.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Bask In The Awesomeness of ME

I am an all awesome hot dog slathered in yellow awesome sauce...

I am funny. I am kind. I am generous. I am pretty. I am smart. I am determined. I am loving. I am caring. I am passionate.

I am a Captain in the League of Awesomeness...

I leap tall buildings with a single awesome. I'm more awesome than a speeding bullet...

Pfft...already got one!

Say YES to awesome bodacity.

Why a blog doesn't get posted...

...because it's 'Winning Friday' and I'm too busy having too much fucking fun!!!

Say YES to awesomeness!!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Get Back Up On That Horse

You ever have someone say that kind of shit to you after something disappointing has happened to you (like a break-up) and you have to start all over again even though you're scared? I'm told that when it comes to men and dating that "You gotta get out there!" "It's just like riding a bicycle." "There's plenty of fish in the sea..."


What's up with the bicycle thing anyway? When you're a kid you ride a bicycle and you're good at it and you like riding your bike. But then you get your license and you start driving a car. You don't go back to riding a bike, really, now do you. I know it's supposed to relay the message of how easy it is to do something. But have any of you gotten on a bike lately? Is it as easy as it was when you were a kid? Hells no! It is not! Nothing is as easy as it was when we were kids.
Well if moving on from a break-up is like 'riding a bicycle' then I guess I gotta, right? Some people jump on the next bicycle and ride the shit out of it before their feet are even off the pedals of the last damn bicycle.

The Bastard.

I'm saying Yes to trying a brand new key...