Monday, January 31, 2011

John and Yoko started a revolution from THEIR bed!

This has been a particularly difficult month. A relative died. I faced my birthday. (More difficult than you think) I'm in some huge financial trouble. I'm on trial at the end of this week. I no longer have a boyfriend. And it's a daily struggle to not kill myself. (That's a post for another day though) So I've been run down a little more than usual. It's no surprise then that I am rocking my second cold this month. It's got all the little goodies that go along with it too. The sneezing. The coughing. The mucous. The dizziness. The fever. The shivers. The earaches. The headaches. The runny nose. The stuffy nose. The throat so sore I want to jam a corkscrew down it. I did very little this past weekend because of this cold. In fact I didn't get out of bed much. I did force myself to get out to the movies but just barely, I had to take breaks while getting ready because standing for too long made me want to fall over. I also tried my best to continue with the household drudgery as best as I could. It seems like the simplest of things were huge obstacles.

There are lots of people that do lots of things regardless of sickness.

Some more remarkable people change history, sometimes directly from their beds...

The stuff happening in my bed....

It's too bad these little fuckers don't cook and clean, having a cold wouldn't be so tedious.

 Say YES to overlooking the little things in order to see the bigger picture.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Why bother calling it customer service?!

I am a proud and happy owner of an iPhone. It is my tiny second child. It is my social connection. It is my keeper of memories. It is all the things a phone should be and more. It is my friend. I took good care of this phone. I bought a rubber case for it. I never sat on it. I didn't drop it. I carried it around in my pocket as if I were carrying a baby chick. A few months ago my phone became sick.

Things started to break. It was getting slower and would sometimes freeze. But my love for my phone never wavered. The phone may have been damaged but I was determined to stick it out with my phone for as long as possible. (Sound familiar? ha ha)

Only days ago my dear friend the iPhone died. I rushed it to the Fido store to see if they could resuscitate it. After an hour it was no use, my phone was dead.

Of course it was one year passed the warranty and I still had one year left on my contract.
You'd think that if you are in the store that sells the phones that maybe you could buy one right? Not exactly. I couldn't just buy a phone because I had a year left on my contract, I had to talk to a Fido representative over the telephone first. Doesn't make much sense does it. I drive 15 minutes to another city only to speak to some git on the phone. Shit I can buy a car without having to get permission from some faceless douche over the phone. But not a cell phone.

The employees at the store, although nice and helpful with certain things and more than willing to take your money, are really of no use to me at this point. Whoever I speak to at Fido Customer Service will be in charge now and my fate will be in their hands. Well lucky, lucky me I got a condescending bitch. I was informed that I could buy a cheap phone to use until my contract ended and then purchase the phone that I actually wanted and renew my next contract. I was also informed that if  that was not what I wanted to do I would then have to pay extra to buy out my current contract (they have to get their money for the coming year, right?) in order to then renew my next contract and have the phone that I wanted. This was procedure and there was nothing that she could do for me to cut down the $800 or so that this would cost me. I was calmly outraged and questioned the woman as to why it was so difficult for me to continue conducting business with them. I essentially was begging them to take money from me for another 3 years after all. And let's face it, there is no damn way that anyone should be asking $600 for an iPhone. You know they gotta be making those things for like $20!! Being the astute person that she was, the Customer Service representative sensed my bitter disappointment and transferred me to Customer Relations. HA

This guy not only told me the same shit but suggested that I deal with another company all together. So I could spend my money on buying a phone to use for the next 9 months to a year only to throw it away in order to cheaply buy the phone that I really wanted. OR I could buy out my contract and buy the phone that I want at full price. OR I could buy out my contract and take my business elsewhere.

Pay and/or get lost. Those were my options.

I always thought that the term 'Customer Service' was coined to let the customer know that they were going to get the best service that they would ever want or need. Not just to give the customer the heads up that they were about to get fucked in the ass without so much as a token spit on it first.

Thanks Fido Customer Relations. Thanks for nothing.

I wonder.....

I wonder about all kinds of things. Why some people are allowed to breed... Why the government isn't being run as a dictatorship with me at the helm... Why can't old and fat be the new hot and sexy... All valid in my eyes. I was in a 'musing' mood today so why not ask why.

*Why is it that the more you have to do, the less that gets done?

*Why is it that poop is so interesting?

*Why is it that 'All You Can Eat' always sounds like a challenge?

*Why is it that for almost all men that this 'All You Can Eat' IS a challenge?

*Why is it that as soon as the warranty is done the whatever it is breaks?

*Why is it that as disgusting as Taco Bell is, I still want to eat it?

*Why is it that when you go out clubbing and you have everything waxed and shaved you end up going home alone but if you have your period and look like a Sasquatch, boy-o wants to get his hump on?

*Why is it that regardless of 'braided leak-proof' this or 'winged protection' that, you always end up bleaching stuff or throwing it out?

*Why is it that there are more and more toilet paper commercials talking about pieces? What's changed, the paper or the ass cracks?

*Why is it that when you have secured a 3 day weekend for yourself to do whatever the hell you want because your lovely child is with her grandmother, you get sick and spend said weekend wiping the ever-present steady stream of snot from your nose and coughing until you gag?

*Why is it that when you wear white that you will always spill something on yourself?

*Why is it that guys insist on giving the most disgusting offensive names to all things, like 'nature's lube', 'dick cheese' and 'meat curtains'?

Just askin'....

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I rarely have good ideas....unless they're food related or totally inappropriate. An ex-boyfriend of mine was always astonished at the post smoking nosh I would come up with. I was the Queen of the Ultimate Sandwich! However here is a short list of things I think are good ideas....

*Lobster flavoured butter.

*Pint of Guinness.

*Random acts of kindness.

*Zombie training camp...prepare for the Apocalypse people!

*Sleeping in on a Sunday morning. (Jesus understands, even His dad took a day off.)


*Wearing funny hats.

*Hot cup of tea.

*Adult fun.

*Expressing your inner artist.

*Hugging your kid as often as possible.

*Hugging your pet as often as possible.

*Bacon and onion flavoured popcorn.

*Goofing off in the rain.


*Laying naked in cool grass on a hot summer night. (Maybe even with friends...)

*Laughing at the same things that your kid thinks are funny...
                                 ...and randomly sing in public.

*Scary movies...

*Breaking down if only to build yourself back up.

When I 'googled' good idea, I came across this image....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Maybe that was a BAD idea....

I know we have all had those moments where you say to yourself "What the hell was I thinking?!". I look back at my marriage and say that. HA HA. Anyhoo....I got to thinking about some of my own bad ideas. And that got me thinking about things that I imagine would be considered bad ideas.

*Eating chili for three days (and counting) even though you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So much goes in but nothing comes out....except stink!

*Wearing sandals in the snow.

*Dollar store condoms.

*Feeding the dog beef. Uber STINK.

*Assuming police officers have a sense of humour.

*Being out in public without a bra. (It's just wrong)

*Naked, morbidly obese people jumping on a trampoline.

*Not watching where you walk. Especially important in reference to dog parks, high traffic areas, mine fields and short piers.

*Trusting Charlie Sheen to hold your stash.

*Playing the cymbals around the cat.

*Budweiser beer.

*Beefaroni and tequila.

*Swimming with crocodiles. Made worse by wearing meat pants.

*Leaving the house without make-up after the age of 30.


*Dinner at the Flying Saucer restaurant. (ANY meal really)

*Anal sex. (Ya, I said it.)

*As an adult, buying a BMX bike thinking you could look cool riding it and trying to perform Jackass-type stunts with it that result in getting a face full of pine needles and a bigger face full of dirt.

*You've heard of edible underpants but never edible adult undergarments.....

*French kissing after eating garlic bread pizza topped with anchovies and onions.

*Taking home whoever you picked up at the Cairn Croft. Eeep!

*Bolo ties.

* New Kids On The Block.

*Desert boots and jelly shoes.

*Mark Wahlberg movies.

*Polyester underpants.

*Dating an alcoholic.

When I googled 'bad idea' this image came up and I LOL'd.....
Nuff said

Monday, January 24, 2011

Now playing! Jeff Goldblum as HIMSELF

I love this guy. I don't care what he's doing, I want to watch him. An old friend and I would watch his movies obsessively! Usually we watch actors and think they're great for how well they do their job at acting, right? We comment on how so-and-so is a chameleon or what's-her-name became her character. That's what actors do of course, right? An actor is a person that pretends to be someone else, someone different. They may speak differently. Walk differently. Have different mannerisms. They may even alter their physical appearance. Not this guy. Jeff Goldblum is always Jeff frickin Goldblum. Ya sure they give his character a name and a back story that's different from his own but it's just Jeff up there on the screen. Jeff as an alien. Jeff running around with dinosaurs. Jeff fighting aliens. Jeff as a human fly. Jeff as a teacher. They all have the same speech patterns. The same hand gestures. The same facial expressions. Is he even capable of being anyone other than himself? Would any of us care? I know I wouldn't. And kudos to Mr. Goldblum for making a career for himself by just being himself! He never has to worry about historical relevance or accents. He just has to learn his lines. I imagine that you can interchange his 'characters' with any other 'character' in any number of his films like puzzle pieces. So you could take the Jeff from "Transylvania 6-5000" and plunk him into "Mr. Frost" and take that Jeff and put him into "The Fly" and then take that Jeff and put him into "Jurassic Park". It would be fine. They all work the same. He's kinda like that sheep Dolly. You know, the cloned one. One of his latest projects is a movie called "The Switch". Just came out of DVD. One of these days I'll rent and enjoy watching Jeff deliver his news lines, to new people, in new settings, while wearing new clothes. But the character won't be new. Because it's just Jeff. Since 1952.

Here's what I call 'Being Jeff Goldblum'.....

This movie is "The Tall Guy". A quirky British comedy. Note the Jeff-ness...

And an Apple commercial...

A childhood story...

"Transylvania 6-5000" Pure stupid hilarity

Same Jeff time. Same Jeff channel.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Follies of having Ballies

Male Genitalia. Man Parts. Boy Bits. Schlong. Wang. Ding-a-ling. Penis. Twig and Berries. Junk. Package. Wiener. Meat and Two Veg. Tool. Johnson. Little General. Peepee. Weewee. Yoohoo. Dink.

The penis. I like it a lot. They come in all different shapes and sizes. Easy enough to operate. Some work better than others of course. I find it's nice to have one around when you want it but wouldn't want to necessarily own one. As a girl, I did however find it fascinating how much pain could be inflicted on a boy via the 'privates'. Yes I was a nasty sadistic thing. But in my defense, I didn't understand or maybe even believe that it was as painful as you boys said it was. However, in hindsight, I don't feel so bad about it because guys like sacking each other more than girls ever liked sacking boys. If you don't believe me, just watch Jackass. So during a large part of my elementary school career I kicked, kneed, smacked, punched and once even poled (yes poled ) many a prepubescent package.

The point of all this is that I always found a guy getting hit in the nads...hilarious. Yes it's true that it was always a good threat in the school yard. It can be used both offensively and defensively. But when it came down to it getting someone below the belt made me laugh. And I continued to inflict pain and laugh until I experienced two things that resulted in the same end. Now I don't remember which one happened first but I have equally clear memories of them both.
I had and awesome bike with a sparkly green banana seat. This bike was great for riding someone double. They could sit on the seat with you, back to back, and hold on to the end of the banana seat for balance. I think it may have even had a place to put your feet so they didn't dangle.

One day after school, I stood straddling my sweet ride, loosely holding the handle bars while I waited for my friend L. We were probably going to hang out at her house. Or head down to the corner convenience store to buy some salt and vinegar chips or cheese corn or a Chunk. Do you remember Chunks? A big hard square of wonderful chocolate? That convenience store is closed now which makes me a little sad. But I digress. Anyway L knew we would be riding double so she grabbed that seat handle and yanked the bike backwards...hard. Usually this wouldn't have been a problem but she didn't warn me that she was going to do it and it caught me off guard. It also caught me right in the 'button'! When she yanked that bike she also yanked the gooseneck of the handlebars right into my crotch. I'm pretty sure I fell over sideways. I may have fallen over still holding onto the bike. It hurt like hell. And I had a large angry bruise on my cooch for close to a week.

During my reign of terror, one boy got tired of the whole 'girl kicks boy in the nuts-boy falls down in pain-girl laughs' thing and decided to teach me a lesson that I have never forgotten.

His name was Adrian. I think he was my most recent victim.

I don't know why I kicked him that day but the moment he caught his breath he quickly retaliated with a very swift and powerful knee to my crotch.
"How do YOU like it?!" he yelled.
I didn't.

I stopped hurting boys that day. I started empathizing with them instead. But I never stopped thinking it was funny. I just don't think that stuff ever gets old.

What? Not funny enough?

Boy am I glad to be a girl.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Ok, so I'm out getting a few groceries this afternoon. I stopped to get these groceries at a supermarket that I don't usually shop at. I didn't get many things. Some lunch meat, cheese slices, a few veggies, eggs and some hot chocolate mix with a bag of mini marshmallows. (these last two items were an impulse buy on behalf of the Kid) I only had a $20 bill and a few coins in my pocket. The total of these items came to a total of $23.14. I only had $23.05.
I had more change in the car. I would go get it, no problem. But there was a gentleman behind me in line and I didn't want him to wait. So I told the cashier to cash me out and I would be right back with the remaining 9 cents. So this means that she had my $23.14 in groceries, my $23.05 and my Kid while I walk out to my vehicle to grab the 9 cents. So out to the car I go, content in thinking that she had cashed out my transaction in order to serve the next customer. Because let's face it, there was absolutely no reason to make the man wait for my 9 cents. I return to the cashier still standing there holding my $23.05 in her hand and a blank look on her face. All logical common sense productivity had come to a screeching halt. I don't know about you but blatant stupidity infuriates me. I apologized to the man that was made to wait and questioned the girl as to why she didn't cash me out so that she could proceed in serving him. Her response was honest and simple. "I didn't understand what you meant..."
Just stupid. You're probably thinking 'This isn't such a big deal. So the guy had to wait. So what?'

So what?!

I'll tell you what!

This type of everyday stupidity is just a drop in the illogical bucket. It is a rampant disease on humanity. We need to be vaccinated. Because we're getting hit from all angles. Some people are born stupid. The school system tries to catch it and cure it but stupidity is pretty resistant to the intellectual medicine that its given. Until finally it reaches the adult stage and is released into the working world for the rest of us to deal with. Well I don't like it one bit. And it's only getting worse and worse. That's why we've got shit like reality television, TMZ, Sarah Palin, Fox News, Wal-Mart and CNN.

I know there's a lot of smart people in the world. I know they're doing a lot of smart things. I also know that some of those smart things are things like researching cures for terrible and deadly diseases. I'm waiting patiently for the day that those same smart people find the cure for 'Stupid'.

Say YES to education. Say YES to common sense.

Put a stop to such stupidity as this...


Or this...

Have we become so stupid that we can no longer crack an egg?

Or the absolute bane of my existence....

Excuse me but if you can't work a damn blanket, you're too stupid to live.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

To Birthday or not to Birthday....

Yesterday was my birthday. Yesterday was also the two-week 'anniversary of my grandmother's death. Doesn't exactly put me in the party mood. Couple that with the fact that I HATE my birthday and it's gearing up to be the most craptastic day ever. So this is how I usually feel on my birthday....

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I want to die...

I don't feel like I ever have a satisfactory birthday. I don't get what I want. I'm not with the people I want to be with. I don't have enough fun. There's never a big enough fuss made. And I've always wanted a kick-ass surprise party. The type of birthday that you only see on televisions or in movies. Most birthdays I have an interior soundtrack of one song playing over and over.

Nothing like The Smiths to help you fully embrace your depression. You know your birthday is loathsome when you sing this song to yourself. How it is that I got this way and my out of control self-loathing is a blog for another day though. Even if I was doing something for my birthday, I would still be celebrating inside my head like this....

I'm so much fun aren't I?

So being that I hate my birthday and my grandmother is dead, I wasn't going to even acknowledge my birthday this year. Celebrating in any way felt selfish and disrespectful. A new friend of mine invited me to her house for dinner and drinks. We had a discussion about how life for the grieving doesn't end and I should rethink my decision and try and enjoy my birthday. I'm glad I listened to her.

So I said YES to having a birthday. I had a great time celebrating with new friends and old friends. Retold old stories and shared new ones. Had a good meal and a few pints. All while laughing until we cried. (Or until M.H. couldn't breathe) I can't wait to do it again....more often than once a year.

I was also overwhelmed with food and Guinness....

Monday, January 17, 2011

Funny Quotables

We all have our favourite movies. The movies that you can watch over and over and over. You may know these favourites so well you know the dialogue by heart. I personally love the movies that have the awesome witty banter. Or are so outrageous or stupid they're funny. The lines that you can spout off at parties and instantly bond with movie lovers anywhere. Let's revisit a few of my favourites...

Five Vermont state troopers, avid pranksters with a knack for screwing up, try to save their jobs and out-do the local police department by solving a crime.
The first time I saw this movie, I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe...

 Ok the quality ain't so hot and it's not the entire opening scene(which would have rocked!) but it will have to do...The three dudes are so baked it frightens me!

#1 - A goofy detective specializing in animals goes in search of a missing dolphin mascot of a football team.#2 - Pet detective Ace Ventura comes out of retirement to investigate the disappearance of a rare white bat, the symbol of an African tribe.  I had a young friend named Wesley that was like a little brother to me. Jim Carrey was a hero of his and he would quote him constantly. Wesley was really good at being Ace Ventura.

If you don't know any Monty Python you just shouldn't be allowed to live.

 A Las Vegas-set comedy centered around three groomsmen who lose their about-to-be-wed buddy during their drunken misadventures, then must retrace their steps in order to find him.
 Zach Galifianakis is AWESOME!!!! just sayin

The fun just never ends. Accept for now....

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sick in Love

Remember loving someone so much it hurt? You spent all of your time with them. And if you weren't with them, you were on the phone with them. Or texting. Or facebooking. Always touching. Hugging. Kissing. Fucking. You felt like you would die without them. You never wanted to be apart.

We all went through it as teenagers. Some of us missed a lot of highschool because of it. Lost touch with friends. Feelings so intense you thought your heart might burst. Or you might at least throw up. Remember thinking you couldn't possibly love anyone else that much? So devastating if you got dumped. You would never find someone like that again. It would never be the same.

Of course in our twenties it became more complicated. The race to get married and have a life with someone was on. To start a family. The epic quest for the love of your life and to gain total personal happiness. We all want it, don't we? Some of us found it or found something like it. Some of us settled. Some of us are still searching. I never found the love of my life. Out of fear of being alone, I settled once. I thought I came close to finding it once but it was only my co-dependence showing. And currently I'm fighting for a possibility. When it comes to boys, I can be quite tenacious. If my relationships had a template or time line, it might look something like this...

FIRST SIX MONTHS : Put all of your heart and soul into pleasing the man and being the best version of yourself possible. (the you that you would like to be, the you that everyone else likes best, the you that is sometimes too exhausting to be) The absolute best and most fun time in the relationship. Hump as much as humanly possible.

SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR : If you haven't gotten the man under your thumb yet, assimilate yourself into everything he enjoys. (If you can't beat them join them) Resentment is beginning to set in. Arguing starts. Humping is still going strong at 85%.

ONE YEAR TO 18 MONTHS : Full out resentment has set in because you don't get the attention that you want or that you have earned. You find fault in everything that he does. You are the only one that wants this relationship to work of course. Ya you're being a bitch but it's only because he's being an asshole. If only he would listen to what you're saying and do what you ask everything would be better. Humping has been cut back to 65%

18 MONTHS TO TWO YEARS : It's a love/hate relationship. Nothing works the way you want it to. Always fighting. But always loving too. Just not much liking. Convincing yourself that you shouldn't be together but there is so much potential for a great relationship if only both of you could work out your personal issues that are keeping you apart. Since humping is the only thing you do well together that's still happening with some frequency because really it's all you've got left.

But let's get back to my tenacity shall we? I have faults. I am VERY aware of them. No person is perfect therefore no relationship is perfect. I am unwilling to abandon a person just because they have issues. Life isn't Wal-Mart. If there's a defect, you don't return or exchange it. I wouldn't appreciate being ditched for my faults. So I don't ditch. But when is enough, enough? Sometimes tough decisions have to be made for the greater good. That being said, this past New Year, I made a tough decision. The man that I think about constantly. The man that I believe I have a deep connection with. The man that perhaps I would spend the rest of my life with. The man that I claim to love. I told this man to go away from me and get his shit together. So that I too could get my shit together. That way we could be healthy individuals that come together to have a healthy relationship.

Courageous? Stupid? Desperately clinging to a secure option? Or have I, for once in my life, decided that I like me and deserve more. Not only from the man in my life but from myself.
I think finding love is a difficult thing for anyone. When you get to a certain stage in life, throwing caution to the wind and the wild vulnerability that comes with dating and relationships is taxing to say the least.  Terrifying would be a better word. I'm not interested in starting over. I'm interested in exploring the potential that I see in this man. The potential I see in myself. If we could only get out of our own way, I think we could have something spectacular. But for the moment I am stuck with my new found resolve and  that crushing 'Can't live without him' feeling that makes me want to throw up.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Did you know....

On Gilligan's Island, the Professor wore athletic socks. What kind of brainiac professor wears athletic socks? The kind that isn't smart enough to get them off the stupid island!!

The last time I was at the bank, the teller was wearing a sweater that resembled an autopsy. I can only think that she was drunk when she purchased it and again when she dressed that morning. She should go to A.A.

A golf ball has between 380 and 432 dimples. We think people with only one or two dimples are good looking. I imagine that the golf ball is the 'playa' of the ball world. No wonder Tiger Woods got himself into so much trouble.


Science gave us 3D television. Science gave us artificial hearts. Science gave us space travel. Science even gave the hard-on back to the impotent man. But no matter how many times I clean it, the damn cat litter box still STINKS!!!

That I am a FREAK for old movies and musicals. Every day should be an old school Hollywood musical. Singing at our kids in the morning to hurry the hell up or they're going to be late for school. Singing at the douchebag in the car ahead of you that just cut you off. Singing from the toilet for buttwipe because the roll is empty again! Taking everyday situations and putting them to music...genius.

Now you know....