Ya I've been a big bummer, so what? I've been lighthearted in the past. I've been funny. I'm allowed some wallowing, aren't I? When your heart gets wrung out like an old wet towel you're allowed to vent dramatically. But you've all been kind and patient with my pathetic whining so today I'd like to share something cute, something funny and something musical.
WARNING : vomit and cursing ahead....
Say YES to fighting the funk of the heartbroken with a little whimsy.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Starting Over
I started my day with a fairy tale. I watched the Royal wedding, not once but twice. I sucked up all the pomp and circumstance and romantic pageantry like a desperate little sponge. I am in absolute love with all of that stuff. Not that I would have admitted it to anyone before, in fact I have often said the opposite and bashed it so I wouldn't be another lame romantic loving girl.
I want my Prince. I want to be treated like a Princess. (For lack of a better term because if anyone ever called me a princess, watch the freak out!) Of course this whole concept makes me sad because I don't believe I'm the type of girl that a guy wants to treat like a princess.
And that got me thinking about how many regrets I have in my life. How many bridges I have burned. And how many things for which I feel I need to make amends. I tried to start that today (no time like the present) and that ended in tears. What's even worse is that I found out first hand just how horrible I actually am in the eyes of others. Which led to more tears.
So I thought it best to start my day again and take a hot shower and get something constructive done. So I ran a couple of errands and got my nails did. Which remarkably took up the whole day. So come the evening, being as I'm still sad and full of doubt (and have a killer headache and want to vomit because it's so bad) I thought I'd try starting my day over again and spend some quality time with the Kid.
It's easy starting your day over. You just ignore the time and do what you want, when you want to do it. But now I need to start my life over and that's a little more difficult. I can't ignore the TIME I spent. I cherished it, in fact, even the crap and anguish. The WHAT I want to do has to be different. And WHEN is all about the waiting.Waiting to heal. Waiting to let go. Waiting to forgive. Waiting to begin again. And hoping I have the courage to do it.
Say YES to brave new beginnings.
I want my Prince. I want to be treated like a Princess. (For lack of a better term because if anyone ever called me a princess, watch the freak out!) Of course this whole concept makes me sad because I don't believe I'm the type of girl that a guy wants to treat like a princess.
And that got me thinking about how many regrets I have in my life. How many bridges I have burned. And how many things for which I feel I need to make amends. I tried to start that today (no time like the present) and that ended in tears. What's even worse is that I found out first hand just how horrible I actually am in the eyes of others. Which led to more tears.
So I thought it best to start my day again and take a hot shower and get something constructive done. So I ran a couple of errands and got my nails did. Which remarkably took up the whole day. So come the evening, being as I'm still sad and full of doubt (and have a killer headache and want to vomit because it's so bad) I thought I'd try starting my day over again and spend some quality time with the Kid.
It's easy starting your day over. You just ignore the time and do what you want, when you want to do it. But now I need to start my life over and that's a little more difficult. I can't ignore the TIME I spent. I cherished it, in fact, even the crap and anguish. The WHAT I want to do has to be different. And WHEN is all about the waiting.Waiting to heal. Waiting to let go. Waiting to forgive. Waiting to begin again. And hoping I have the courage to do it.
Say YES to brave new beginnings.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
WINDY
The wind today was totally redonkulous! Even the Kid had some concerns over the unusual weather. (And the Kid doesn't pay attention to much of anything.) Trash everywhere. Trees damaged. Little childrens tumbling down the street like tumblin tumble weeds. Today was quite interesting and for more than just the weather. In fact I would say that the extreme wind was reflective of both my mood and the events of the day. Many ups and downs.
The day started off good. Good morning with the Kid. And I got started with the chores early.
Then I had to take a pregnant friend to the hospital which was a little hairy. On the way to the hospital I came across a dead coyote in the road. (I'm still upset about that.)
I then had a very distressing, very personal and very eye opening conversation that once again ended in me being alone and in tears.
I then did some shopping.
And found out my friend is most likely having a girl.
The Kid and I went to dinner with the Mother.
But then I came back to a virtually empty home.
No, wait...
Home isn't the right word. It's just an apartment because without his love (regardless of the problems) it no longer feels like a home. I don't know how to start again. I'm afraid to make the same mistakes. I'm worried he may be right about me.
The wind may have died down but the pain in my heart hasn't. What if it never does?
But once again I'm being a downer so I will leave you with a poem that I wrote in elementary school that is very suitable to today.
WIND
Wind can be peaceful.
Wind can be mean.
But I like wind better than string beans.
Today I learned a couple of things. Playing games instead of being honest when it comes to matters of the heart, gets you nowhere but alone. And even more importantly, that I need to be more flexible. There's no need for me to always be the mighty oak, never wavering, because even the oak can be felled under the right circumstances as I was today by that single phone call.
Say YES to bending like a reed in the wind.
The day started off good. Good morning with the Kid. And I got started with the chores early.
Then I had to take a pregnant friend to the hospital which was a little hairy. On the way to the hospital I came across a dead coyote in the road. (I'm still upset about that.)
I then had a very distressing, very personal and very eye opening conversation that once again ended in me being alone and in tears.
I then did some shopping.
And found out my friend is most likely having a girl.
The Kid and I went to dinner with the Mother.
But then I came back to a virtually empty home.
No, wait...
Home isn't the right word. It's just an apartment because without his love (regardless of the problems) it no longer feels like a home. I don't know how to start again. I'm afraid to make the same mistakes. I'm worried he may be right about me.
The wind may have died down but the pain in my heart hasn't. What if it never does?
But once again I'm being a downer so I will leave you with a poem that I wrote in elementary school that is very suitable to today.
WIND
Wind can be peaceful.
Wind can be mean.
But I like wind better than string beans.
Today I learned a couple of things. Playing games instead of being honest when it comes to matters of the heart, gets you nowhere but alone. And even more importantly, that I need to be more flexible. There's no need for me to always be the mighty oak, never wavering, because even the oak can be felled under the right circumstances as I was today by that single phone call.
Say YES to bending like a reed in the wind.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It's Wednesday! Poetry Day!
The rain has stopped. It's a beautiful day! There's a smell of flowers in the air and the robins are all red-breasted and stuff. It's time for a poem, people!
SPRING BOUQUET
by Raymond A. Foss
SPRING BOUQUET
by Raymond A. Foss
An earthen vase
held a bouquet
simple crocuses
at the street corner
in the downtown
of the city, around
the corner, down the block
on the way to school
a bit of color
shining through
the urban tableau
reminding us of beauty
amidst the clutter
of daily life
held a bouquet
simple crocuses
at the street corner
in the downtown
of the city, around
the corner, down the block
on the way to school
a bit of color
shining through
the urban tableau
reminding us of beauty
amidst the clutter
of daily life
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Yesterday was Monday...where was the Mental? Oh wait, I was the Mental
Usually on Mondays I participate in a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group. The purpose of this group is to teach me to re-learn how to think because a lot of my wires have gotten crossed. This therapy is providing me with extremely important tools and resources to ensure my success in managing and overcoming certain aspects of my illness. This Monday, because of the holiday, there was no group. I was having a breakdown and the Kid needed the laptop for a school project so I didn't get around to posting anything in the blog.
Wait let's go back a bit...I was having a breakdown.
So it occurred to me that I haven't actually told you about my illnesses. (Yes there is more than one.)
Let's start with the major one, Bipolar Disorder. This little beauty requires medication and is confusing and exhausting and causes me a lot of trouble. Daily living is impaired and it ruins a lot of my relationships. I'm referred to as crazy or I'm told I'm mean. In fact just recently I was told that things would be better for me and the certain person that was talking to me, if I simply just stopped being a bitch.
Next up, Borderline Personality Disorder. I often wonder which of the two are more destructive. This wreaks havoc with relationships too. I'm angry and sad almost all the time, often misunderstood and I think people often write me off as being a bummer and think I should 'Chin up Buttercup'.
Then there's a bit of OCD and a pinch of PTSD.
That's a lot of reading, I know. But I sometimes wish that some of the people in my life would take the time to read up on it.
Life in general is incredibly challenging for me. I have difficulty appreciating the small things, letting go and seeing the silver lining. I often feel imprisoned by my illness. And am constantly at war with myself and everything around me.
But I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself. I'm learning to accept my strengths and my limitations. I'm learning to cope. And even with the challenges that I've been dealt, I am raising a child on my own, I maintain an apartment, I manage my bills, I volunteer my time and have enrolled in school. And I work very hard at trying to control and overcome the symptoms of my illnesses.
I try to have compassion for the ignorant people of the world that think I can simply get over it or think happy thoughts or not be a bitch. I'm told often that things could always be worse and I would agree that things could be worse. I could be starving or homeless. I could be stuck in some Godless corner of the world. But I'm not. I'm just trapped in my own head. And trust me when I tell you that's bad enough.
Say YES to understanding and compassion.
Wait let's go back a bit...I was having a breakdown.
So it occurred to me that I haven't actually told you about my illnesses. (Yes there is more than one.)
Let's start with the major one, Bipolar Disorder. This little beauty requires medication and is confusing and exhausting and causes me a lot of trouble. Daily living is impaired and it ruins a lot of my relationships. I'm referred to as crazy or I'm told I'm mean. In fact just recently I was told that things would be better for me and the certain person that was talking to me, if I simply just stopped being a bitch.
Next up, Borderline Personality Disorder. I often wonder which of the two are more destructive. This wreaks havoc with relationships too. I'm angry and sad almost all the time, often misunderstood and I think people often write me off as being a bummer and think I should 'Chin up Buttercup'.
Then there's a bit of OCD and a pinch of PTSD.
That's a lot of reading, I know. But I sometimes wish that some of the people in my life would take the time to read up on it.
Life in general is incredibly challenging for me. I have difficulty appreciating the small things, letting go and seeing the silver lining. I often feel imprisoned by my illness. And am constantly at war with myself and everything around me.
But I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself. I'm learning to accept my strengths and my limitations. I'm learning to cope. And even with the challenges that I've been dealt, I am raising a child on my own, I maintain an apartment, I manage my bills, I volunteer my time and have enrolled in school. And I work very hard at trying to control and overcome the symptoms of my illnesses.
I try to have compassion for the ignorant people of the world that think I can simply get over it or think happy thoughts or not be a bitch. I'm told often that things could always be worse and I would agree that things could be worse. I could be starving or homeless. I could be stuck in some Godless corner of the world. But I'm not. I'm just trapped in my own head. And trust me when I tell you that's bad enough.
Say YES to understanding and compassion.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)