Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Yesterday was Monday...where was the Mental? Oh wait, I was the Mental

Usually on Mondays I participate in a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group. The purpose of this group is to teach me to re-learn how to think because a lot of my wires have gotten crossed. This therapy is providing me with extremely important tools and resources to ensure my success in managing and overcoming certain aspects of my illness. This Monday, because of the holiday, there was no group. I was having a breakdown and the Kid needed the laptop for a school project so I didn't get around to posting anything in the blog.

Wait let's go back a bit...I was having a breakdown.

So it occurred to me that I haven't actually told you about my illnesses. (Yes there is more than one.)

Let's start with the major one, Bipolar Disorder. This little beauty requires medication and is confusing and exhausting and causes me a lot of trouble. Daily living is impaired and it ruins a lot of my relationships. I'm referred to as crazy or I'm told I'm mean. In fact just recently I was told that things would be better for me and the certain person that was talking to me, if I simply just stopped being a bitch.
Next up, Borderline Personality Disorder. I often wonder which of the two are more destructive. This wreaks havoc with relationships too. I'm angry and sad almost all the time, often misunderstood and I think people often write me off as being a bummer and think I should 'Chin up Buttercup'.
Then there's a bit of OCD and a pinch of PTSD.

That's a lot of reading, I know. But I sometimes wish that some of the people in my life would take the time to read up on it.

Life in general is incredibly challenging for me. I have difficulty appreciating the small things, letting go and seeing the silver lining. I often feel imprisoned by my illness. And am constantly at war with myself and everything around me.

But I'm learning. I'm learning to accept myself. I'm learning to accept my strengths and my limitations. I'm learning to cope. And even with the challenges that I've been dealt, I am raising a child on my own, I maintain an apartment, I manage my bills, I volunteer my time and have enrolled in school. And I work very hard at trying to control and overcome the symptoms of my illnesses.

I try to have compassion for the ignorant people of the world that think I can simply get over it or think happy thoughts or not be a bitch. I'm told often that things could always be worse and I would agree that things could be worse. I could be starving or homeless. I could be stuck in some Godless corner of the world. But I'm not. I'm just trapped in my own head. And trust me when I tell you that's bad enough.

Say YES to understanding and compassion.


  1. Wow Beck...you're a melting pot of challenges aren't you? I've had my own fun with post partum depression and what I believe to be PTSD after seeing my mom die (trust me - it was awful). I cannot stand people who are of the "just get over it" mindset. They're uneducated, senseless assholes!! While I can't say I know what you're specifically going through I can at least say I understand some of the obstacles you're trying to overcome <3

  2. That's awful. I'm sure you do understand the obstacles. They are pretty horrible at times and not just for me but for those around me. I think that is the worst part sometimes, the damage that is done to those I love.