Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Screw you Diaphragm!!!

This diaphragm....

...not this diaphragm. (My eggs are no longer of any use. They are similar to the shells you put in your compost. So I don't need one of those.)

Yesterday my own personal need- it- to- breathe diaphragm was on the fritz. In other words, I had the hiccups. They were the type of hiccups that you seem to wake up with and they go away for a bit and they come back for no reason and go away for a bit and come back again and make you sound like an idiot and go away again and so on. There's all sorts of ways to allegedly get rid of the hiccups. Holding your breath. Drinking water really fast or upside down or something. Getting them scared out of you. This last one is my personal favourite for when the Kid gets the hiccups. I scare the poop out of her and she complains and I say I was only trying to help and she yells at me and we both laugh. Me more than her but whatever, it's good bonding for us.
I have found that these methods are either a crock or they just don't work for me. So over the years I have developed a deep breathing/visualization method that works for my hiccups almost all the time. Yesterday was not one of those times. And the longer the hiccups went on, the more frustrated I got. But what can I do but simply accept that I had the damn hiccups and try my best to ignore them. All day long whenever the hiccups reared their ugly head, I tried to let go of my frustration and find that small peaceful place within and told myself that if I didn't give in to my irrational anger they would just go away. I did that ALL day. ALL DAY.

And guess what?

It didn't fucking work.

Here it was a Monday, which I find naturally to be the most annoying day of the week. Then let's add in that I have a lot of random aches and pains, including headaches, that get exacerbated by things like hiccups. I had to go to the doctor to essentially be told "There's nothing wrong here, you're being silly". (Not because I had the hiccups, something unrelated.) And had to go to Wal-mart....twice. So the hiccups turned into a major annoyance.

But I fixed their wagon eventually. Not by holding my breath. Or my deep breathing. No one jumped out at me and screamed "BOO!". It was really quite simple and only cost me around 5 dollars.

Drank me 2 cans of Guinness and they were all gone. Is there nothing that sweet elixir can't do?

Say YES to homeopathic remedies!


  1. ha, homeopathic indeed. You know what gets rid of them IMMEDIATELY? Well, it does in kids anyway--GRIPE WATER. I should keep a bottle of that stuff in storage.

  2. I'll stick with the Guinness, thanks. Gripe water tastes poopy...