Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Joy of Pooping

*DISCLAIMER* This blog is all about human excrement!!! If you don't want to read about fecal matter, go away...

Following in a great tradition of Joys, I would like to discuss The Joy of Pooping!! Poop. Otherwise know as... Number Two. BM. Crap. Shit. Dropping a deuce. Pinching a loaf. Turd. Dump. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Feces. Excrement. Defecation.

Everyone poops. (Isn't that a kid's book or something?) Poop is important. Poop is the barometer in which to measure our health. How often. How much. The shape. The colour. The smell. Does it float? Does it sink? Is there food in it? Blood? Mucous? If we poop too much or too often, there's a problem. If we're not pooping, there's a problem.

I used to be a great pooper! I pooped everyday. Good size. Good shape. I was happy. I had the same ups and downs as anybody else. Like drinking too much beer at the Bonnie or eating Dirty Dick burritos might make things interesting the next day but on the whole (or hole ba da bump) things were pretty routine. Until almost two years ago. Anytime I ate I would almost immediately experience the following
*lots and lots of crap
My body would no longer process all kinds of things like pasta, pizza and all manners of fruit and vegetables. I remember one time that I had a spinach salad. Good for you, right? Not. Only 20 minutes after I started eating it, it violently exited the other end...intact. Lots of my food comes out that way, like it has been through a Slap Chop instead of a intestinal tract. After suffering with this new embarrassment for a while, I finally went to the doctor and he said you have IBS. Otherwise known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If you are unfamiliar with it please READ. There was a time that I shit through the eye of a needle for 5 WEEKS STRAIGHT. Do you have any idea what that is like?? No matter what you eat or drink, it WILL exit your body quickly, frequently, painfully and in searing hot copious amounts. If Hollywood had produced an anal version of The Exorcist, that movie was my life for 5 weeks. I can still hear my bowels yelling in that demonic voice, "The sow is mine!".
When your body is rejecting everything, you have to limit what you do. And where you go. And who you're with. You need to know where every washroom is. How far away you are from said washroom etc etc. It's not cool being on the brink of soiling yourself at any moment for weeks on end.
Thankfully that phase of it ended. Or at least that's what I thought at first. When you're constantly pooping you pray for it to stop. Then it does stop. And then you don't poop at all. And the realization, that constipation is just as horrible as diarrhea, sets in.
When you don't poop for 5 or 6 days straight, you start to pray for your old friend diarrhea.  Do you know how angry a person can get after 6 days of not pooping? (It's what really happened to Bruce Banner, not gamma rays.)
So now you have to eat tons of fiber and tons of probiotics just to have a poop like anybody else.

I am happy to announce that for the last 2 weeks I have rediscovered the Joy of Pooping!! Two weeks straight of glorious, wonderful, satisfying, regular, daily poops. I get all choked up just thinking about it. I don't know what changed and I'm not sure I care.

I've been reunited with my poop and it feels so good.

But I'm no Fat Bastard!

Say YES to healthy poops!!

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