Wednesday, January 19, 2011

To Birthday or not to Birthday....

Yesterday was my birthday. Yesterday was also the two-week 'anniversary of my grandmother's death. Doesn't exactly put me in the party mood. Couple that with the fact that I HATE my birthday and it's gearing up to be the most craptastic day ever. So this is how I usually feel on my birthday....

I want to cry.

I want to scream.

I want to die...

I don't feel like I ever have a satisfactory birthday. I don't get what I want. I'm not with the people I want to be with. I don't have enough fun. There's never a big enough fuss made. And I've always wanted a kick-ass surprise party. The type of birthday that you only see on televisions or in movies. Most birthdays I have an interior soundtrack of one song playing over and over.

Nothing like The Smiths to help you fully embrace your depression. You know your birthday is loathsome when you sing this song to yourself. How it is that I got this way and my out of control self-loathing is a blog for another day though. Even if I was doing something for my birthday, I would still be celebrating inside my head like this....

I'm so much fun aren't I?

So being that I hate my birthday and my grandmother is dead, I wasn't going to even acknowledge my birthday this year. Celebrating in any way felt selfish and disrespectful. A new friend of mine invited me to her house for dinner and drinks. We had a discussion about how life for the grieving doesn't end and I should rethink my decision and try and enjoy my birthday. I'm glad I listened to her.

So I said YES to having a birthday. I had a great time celebrating with new friends and old friends. Retold old stories and shared new ones. Had a good meal and a few pints. All while laughing until we cried. (Or until M.H. couldn't breathe) I can't wait to do it again....more often than once a year.

I was also overwhelmed with food and Guinness....


  1. Your self-loathing is perfectly balanced by the EFFING hilarious images you put into this blog. I totally get the visual sarcasm :) It's perfect...
    Even with depressing text like this, you still manage to give me a laugh!
    And I assure you - I'm laughing with you, not at you ;)

  2. This is so funny and I can understand!! My friends and I always say, "Its not your birthday unless you're crying!" Which shows how much crippling depression has cast over so many of our birthdays that were supposed to be so much freaking fun! Love it!

  3. Thanks Sam!

    jdracecar-I know,right?! There's too much expectation and pressure. This year I took control over my birthday and got what I want! So happy you stopped by!!

  4. yeah, i know i am getting older and fatter every year but hey! have some fun it sure beats the alternative!

  5. So glad you salvaged your b-day. Too many of mine have gone down the tubes with 'lowered expectations' learned along the way. However, I think my 30th b-day was one of my favourites and last year we did something similar, which was a hoot as well. Really, nothing beats the simplicity of laughter with real and comfortable friends who wish you happy birthday and mean it.

  6. PS - I had forgotten about that Smiths song! Thanks for salvaging that too!