Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sick in Love

Remember loving someone so much it hurt? You spent all of your time with them. And if you weren't with them, you were on the phone with them. Or texting. Or facebooking. Always touching. Hugging. Kissing. Fucking. You felt like you would die without them. You never wanted to be apart.

We all went through it as teenagers. Some of us missed a lot of highschool because of it. Lost touch with friends. Feelings so intense you thought your heart might burst. Or you might at least throw up. Remember thinking you couldn't possibly love anyone else that much? So devastating if you got dumped. You would never find someone like that again. It would never be the same.

Of course in our twenties it became more complicated. The race to get married and have a life with someone was on. To start a family. The epic quest for the love of your life and to gain total personal happiness. We all want it, don't we? Some of us found it or found something like it. Some of us settled. Some of us are still searching. I never found the love of my life. Out of fear of being alone, I settled once. I thought I came close to finding it once but it was only my co-dependence showing. And currently I'm fighting for a possibility. When it comes to boys, I can be quite tenacious. If my relationships had a template or time line, it might look something like this...

FIRST SIX MONTHS : Put all of your heart and soul into pleasing the man and being the best version of yourself possible. (the you that you would like to be, the you that everyone else likes best, the you that is sometimes too exhausting to be) The absolute best and most fun time in the relationship. Hump as much as humanly possible.

SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR : If you haven't gotten the man under your thumb yet, assimilate yourself into everything he enjoys. (If you can't beat them join them) Resentment is beginning to set in. Arguing starts. Humping is still going strong at 85%.

ONE YEAR TO 18 MONTHS : Full out resentment has set in because you don't get the attention that you want or that you have earned. You find fault in everything that he does. You are the only one that wants this relationship to work of course. Ya you're being a bitch but it's only because he's being an asshole. If only he would listen to what you're saying and do what you ask everything would be better. Humping has been cut back to 65%

18 MONTHS TO TWO YEARS : It's a love/hate relationship. Nothing works the way you want it to. Always fighting. But always loving too. Just not much liking. Convincing yourself that you shouldn't be together but there is so much potential for a great relationship if only both of you could work out your personal issues that are keeping you apart. Since humping is the only thing you do well together that's still happening with some frequency because really it's all you've got left.

But let's get back to my tenacity shall we? I have faults. I am VERY aware of them. No person is perfect therefore no relationship is perfect. I am unwilling to abandon a person just because they have issues. Life isn't Wal-Mart. If there's a defect, you don't return or exchange it. I wouldn't appreciate being ditched for my faults. So I don't ditch. But when is enough, enough? Sometimes tough decisions have to be made for the greater good. That being said, this past New Year, I made a tough decision. The man that I think about constantly. The man that I believe I have a deep connection with. The man that perhaps I would spend the rest of my life with. The man that I claim to love. I told this man to go away from me and get his shit together. So that I too could get my shit together. That way we could be healthy individuals that come together to have a healthy relationship.

Courageous? Stupid? Desperately clinging to a secure option? Or have I, for once in my life, decided that I like me and deserve more. Not only from the man in my life but from myself.
I think finding love is a difficult thing for anyone. When you get to a certain stage in life, throwing caution to the wind and the wild vulnerability that comes with dating and relationships is taxing to say the least.  Terrifying would be a better word. I'm not interested in starting over. I'm interested in exploring the potential that I see in this man. The potential I see in myself. If we could only get out of our own way, I think we could have something spectacular. But for the moment I am stuck with my new found resolve and  that crushing 'Can't live without him' feeling that makes me want to throw up.


  1. this actually reminded me with an interview I read yesterday between Jenny McCarthy and Oprah (sigh, I know). Jenny said that she used to fall into the trap of always pretending to love everything the guy loves "you love football? I love it too!" But now she's upfront about what she does or doesn't like right from the start.

    Of course, there's a lot more to what you said here than that particular stage of "love," but what if you love the idea of having someone to love so much, that you put someone in that position even if they really should not be in your life? Do you have a romantic notion of fixing someone to be the person you need? Do you only truly love them when you decided you can't/shouldn't have them? The forbidden fruit is always the best fruit of all.

    Or something like that.

  2. my "captcha" or whatever that letter code you have to fill in thingy is that proves your not a robot said "turde"

    ponder that.

  3. Love this post - why? Because I think this is the "everywoman" story. The part about the first 6 months being the best person you can be - we all do that. I think we should burp and fart and have shit days and just be us in the first 6 months - but that's SO HARD! You want so much for this to be the one, for this person to like you , for this to last... you just want to put all your effort into it. And usually it ends up being like that template you outlined.
    I think what you have opted to do in your current situation is the SMARTEST decision! Hopefully he gets his shit together and realizes how awesome you are... And as for you - I think you're making some fantastic steps at getting yourself together too. It's not easy, and everyone has shit to get together... so why not!?
    I've come to a point in my life where I know I would be happy if I never had a partner again (not sex, mind you - I like sex.. so it'd be nice to have a one night stand or two in there). What I mean is that I have finally realized that I am all I will ever need. I don't need someone to 'fill that void' or 'make me happy.' It's all me, baby! So, while it would be great to spend my life sharing things with someone else, I'm quite happy just being me.
    GOOD FOR YOU - I don't think you're being stupid! I think that you are finally putting yourself first. One thing we all rarely do - because often we come last.

  4. We all do that at the beginning, it's the 'bait and switch' and I think it comes naturally. But that doesn't bother me so much, at least we start off trying, right? And I would agree with you that sometimes people, myself included, fool themselves into thinking that they are in love just because they want it so badly. I don't get worked up over the forbidden fruit thing. I'm more of a 'don't let them go out of fear of the unknown' more than anything else.

    Thanks Sam. I was looking for a compromise I could live with...this is what I came up with

  5. my litmus test has always been,'if this person never changes and stays the same as they are now forever,could i live with it and be happy?' if you answer no then its time to will hurt like someone has ripped off your limbs snd beat you with them , but in the long run it will save you a world of hurt.

  6. I like what Anonymous said...