Sunday, April 10, 2011

Me and the Ex

I often ask the Ex to help me out with various tasks and projects. (because I can't do them by myself and he's the only guy I know that can do the stuff I ask) Even though I appreciate his willingness to help me with these tasks and I also appreciate the mechanical skills he has to complete these tasks, almost everything else that transpires between between the two of us infuriates me to no end.

The Ex does not think like me. (so annoying)
The Ex does not respond to anything quickly enough for me. (even more annoying)
The Ex talks incessantly. (oh I need a drink just thinking about that one)
The Ex is constantly preoccupied with his dog or with his smoking or with his whatever!

The entire time that the Ex is helping me with anything, I'm desperately trying not to harm him.

This past Friday he was kind enough to assist me in picking up some patio furniture, transporting it in his vehicle to my apartment and assembling it with me.
During the 5 hours that we spent together, the following words/terms were used...repeatedly.
Dick. Jackass. Fuck. Asshole. Douche. Shitballs. Douchebag. Stupid. I hate you. Cocksucker.
And often in combination, for example, "Stupid douchebag asshole!" or "Shitballs, I fucking hate you."

Yes, it is extreme. No, I don't mean it...exactly. It is simply a manifestation of my frustration to the max. I am always very blunt and most times very comical. There are lots of times that even though I am insulting him, the Ex can't help but laugh because of my ingenious delivery of said insults. Friday was no different.
The Ex came up with the idea that we should have our own reality television show. He figures the general public likes to see people yelling at each other and fighting and acting stupid and insulting one another so why not have a camera crew follow us around. That way everyone can enjoy my yelling at him about the way he drives, (usually too slow) the way he eats, (just as much food ON his face as IN his face) and the not shutting up, to name a few. Or they can also enjoy the witty insults. The demeaning tirades. It's really a cornucopia of entertaining abuse. The Ex says it should be entitled
"Rebecca VS Corey"
I thought it was a brilliant idea. Occasionally even he has them.

Here's two excerpts from Friday.

(When discussing where to assemble the patio table...)
The Ex:  I wish we had a better day for it.
Me:  The table is small enough that we can put it together inside first and bring it out through the patio door.
The Ex:  No. We'll just put it together outside.
Me: (angrily) Well why don't I just lay spread eagle out on the lawn then??
(All the neighbours are very nosy and I hate them knowing about anything I do. I ended up having to speak to 3 of them that day, damnit)

The Ex: The show could just be a camera following us around, people would find it really funny.
Me: Ya. That's because I'm hilarious and people like to laugh at you. Idiot.


  1. LOL. I'm LOL-ing over here. I may LOL the whole night over this! You are hilarious though. You're right.

  2. I knew you would appreciate it. I think you like it mostly for the swears...

  3. LOL... omg that is classic. Best part was that he thought a TV show would be funny. OK, well I guess it kinda would be, but not in the way he thinks :D

  4. Oh Sam it would be...but I would be the most hated woman on television, no doubt.