Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm not ill, I blame facebook

The laundry didn't get folded and put away yesterday.
The dishes are still in the sink.
I need to vacuum this carpet.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
The bathroom is disgusting. I should do that next.
My bedroom is a mess maybe I'll reorganize that first.
I can't stand the stink of the garbage. I should take that out before anything else.
But I'm still behind on my blog, I have to write something today.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I haven't been to the bank yet.
I didn't call my counselor back.
Maybe I should check the mail, I haven't done that in weeks.
I should probably have a shower. I'm starting to smell and my teeth are fuzzy.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I have to get to the gym. I have to lose weight. I'm too fat.
I have to run those errands for mom.
I need to finish that homework for my counselor.
I didn't take my pills again last night. I have to start taking my pills.
I wish I was thinner.
If I was smart I would have gone to school.
I'm so ugly.
Maybe I'll do something fun with the Kid tonight. We haven't done anything special for ages.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I have to figure out what we're having for dinner, better check the freezer.
I really need to clean this fridge.
The dishes still need to be done.
I'll water the plants first.
Then I'll feed the fish and the hamster.
I'll just check facebook and then get started.
I waste too much time on facebook.
I really need to dust.
Then I can vacuum.
But the laundry is still on the floor. I should put that away first.

You're so stupid and lazy. You can't do anything right. You can't even clean a small apartment. You can't keep a job. You can't keep a man. You suck as a mother. The Kid would be better off somewhere else. This is why you have no friends. Because you're stupid and lazy and fat and ugly and you suck. No one wants to be around you. You're worthless. You're useless. You'll never do anything. You'll never go anywhere.You'll never be anything. You are just a big fat zero. A disappointment. A nothing. Everyone knows what a terrible person you are. You should just do everyone a favour and kill yourself. Everything you need is in the bathroom. Take some pills. Break open a razor. Make sure to cut deep this time. No one wants you. No one needs you. They are better off without you. Just do it already. Kill yourself. Horrible people don't deserve to live. Stupid lazy selfish ugly fat bitch. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

I'll just check facebook and then get started.


  1. As I read this, I imagined you on a stage, dimly lit, a small unfocused light on you that only shows a few of the details in your face - so that we can't really see your expression.. but that's the point.
    As I continued to imagine, you recited the above post - your voice escalating in harsher and more sharp tones.
    That was raw, dude. RAW. And right to the bone. It was beautiful to read - and I think you have clearly and bluntly articulated the monkey-chatter that runs through many of our brains daily...
    And you know what's funny - I checked Facebook just before I read this.

  2. Wow the one-woman show imagery caught me off show I'm not sure I could sit through. I was shooting for raw. Monkey-chatter is right and I know we all experience it. I wanted to push that chatter into what the 24-7 experience of mental illness is and how disruptive one's life gets. A constant cycle of bashing and self-soothing. Thanks for the post.

  3. stupid facebook. I know too well it's addictive, mindless, soothing powers. I've been pushing it to the background these past few days. And yeah, I know of that great conundrum of overwhelming amounts of stuff hanging over head, and the inability to even begin chipping away at it.

  4. Wow I feel that way all the time about facebook. I don't know why I have to check 100 times a day, don't be so hard on yourself!! Have you ever seen the movie, "Adaptation" I love when you can hear the thoughts Nicholas Cage's character, it sounded just like this post. Remember this: This too will pass, you'll be ok, the negative things we tell ourselves aren't true!!