Saturday, February 5, 2011
Regret and heartache
I find it incredible that love and hate are so closely related. Such passion is felt with both. I loved him until I hated him. I loved the thought of him. I loved what I thought he could be. When it was good, I loved the way he made me feel. When it was bad, I hated him for what he turned me into to. At times, I hated to be with him. And now I miss him.
I've been mourning the loss of a relationship for a year and a half without having lost it. Without moving on. And now that it's done, I was hoping there would be a sense of relief. Like as if I have been ill for a long time and am now well. But I feel no relief, only regret for things I did or didn't do and a great hollow ache deep within me that swells to tear up my eyes and choke up my throat.
I will be filled with questions of "Did I do the right thing?", "Why didn't I do or say things differently?", "What if I've just made the biggest mistake? What if he only needed more time? What if...".
What if he was my last chance.